Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 6/29/2010

Question
In reply to my previous question here:
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Autism-1010/2010/6/present-son-received-21st.htm

Our son has never shown any homosexual inclinations or behaviours, has always been interested in women and had two girlfriends before now, and treated them with respect.


However, my husband insisted on buying this present off his businessman friend for my son despite knowing the above facts.

My son did politely tell his father that he wasn't interested, diplomatically, privately, but my husband refuses to hear any of it.

Your theory about the gift being for himself [i.e. my husband] could prove true to a degree.

How am I to resolve this?

Answer
As much as you'd like to resolve this issue for your family, I'm not sure it's your issue to resolve, unfortunately. This may be more between your son and your husband. I'm sorry that your son has been put in this position, but I can only see two options for him:

1. Go along with his dad, putting aside his own misgivings and discomfort for the sake of his father.

2. Be open and direct with his father about his wishes. At 21, he's an adult and cannot be forced to go to a function he does not want to attend.

The first choice might be uncomfortable for your son and he would spend a very unpleasant evening, possibly feeling badly about his involvement for some time afterwards. Attending the strip session could also imply to his father that this was an activity that interested him or he enjoyed, so that his father might try to repeat the gift.

To follow the second choice would mean being very direct and just plain telling his father that he will not go to the male strip club with him. He could give his reasons, (for instance not wanting to watch nude males, not being in a strip club environment, his girlfriend would be unhappy, etc.), suggest his father use the tickets with someone else or offer to do something else with his dad, something they would both enjoy. Going this route, your son might feel that he is being more true to himself as opposed to going along with his dad's view of fun.

I know this would be hard for your son and he'd be reluctant to hurt his father's feelings, but it may be necessary. Other than laying out these options for your son, and supporting his right to make his own decision, I think your part would be over.

If your son's choice makes any of the three of you quite unhappy, I would suggest that you talk with a counselor, individually and/or as a family.

You have my sympathies; this is an unpleasant position for all of you.

Sharon A. Mitchell