Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 6/28/2010

Question
I'm 45, and my husband's 47. I work for the council, my husband's a businessman and we have 2 children - a 21-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter.

Our son is 21, and has Asperger's Syndrome. He is pleasant, popular and has a good job, well, two actually - his day job is working for the council fitting road signs on the highways, his night-time job is in doing websites for friends and family.
Despite getting a degree in computing, he chose a more "social" job because he knew it was one where he wouldn't be office-bound much of the time and had more variety of places to work in. It also fits in with his interest in cars and socialising.


Our son turned 21 this week, and had his 21st birthday party, which was a pleasant event for him, and all was well until midway through the party.

But it's not my son's behaviour that's in question, it's my husband's - he bought our son a completely inappropriate gift.

My husband bought tickets for an evening out at a male strip club for himself and my son (he got them off a businessman friend of his who owns several businesses locally), and it said my husband's and son's names on it. Even worse, the strip club features male strippers only.
How much did this cost? £350, including limousine, and champagne refills throughout the night, plus private dances off any male stripper of his choice.
The ticket's date is for 6 weeks from his birthday - so that's 5 weeks left to use it.

This is strange, considering my husband's never shown any sexual interest in men before, and the fact my husband knows that our son has a girlfriend (our son's been dating her since March 2008 now, so that's 2 years)

My son confided in me he did not like his gift off his father, but couldn't tell his dad because he worried it'd offend him. He told his girlfriend, and she was equally disgusted by this.

When my son was out at work one day and I had a day off work, I asked my husband why he bought it, and he insisted "We're the lads... having fun!"

I told him I didn't buy that excuse, and that our son does not want to go, he told me explicitly, but my husband will hear nothing of it. He insists my son should have a private dance from a male stripper.

Nothing I say will convince him to stop this idea; he insists our son will come to it one day.

My son is doing well in life, but told me he worries about this, he says he feels concerned about it - and that my husband [his biological dad] is always mentioning it to him excitedly.

How should me and my son handle this situation?

Answer
Joanne, you must be so proud of your son. He sounds like he's doing very well indeed. Perhaps because he is doing so well, he may be able to be honest with his dad about this birthday gift.

Gifts are often given with the recipient in mind - we choose something that we think the person will like. This particular present does seem unusual.

Despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, do you think your husband has been wondering about your son's sexual orientation? Were there hints that he might be gay as he was growing up? Do you think his dad may be trying to show that he is open to his son's potential partner, no matter which sex? If so, while it's kind to demonstrate unconditional love, it's more customary to let the young person show his preference rather than leading him toward it. If your son does have an interest in men, it might be better to simply follow his lead rather than set up opportunities. Since your son has a steady girlfriend and is not taken with the idea of a male strip club (with private showing), then your husband may have read his son wrong.

A strip club is an unusual setting, where the lights, sounds, etc. may be out of the norm. Such experiences are not always pleasant for someone with Asperger's or autism. Apart from those sensory aspects, not everyone would feel comfortable at a strip club especially when unclear about the expectations. A private dance is even more intimate than a strip for a general audience and may make anyone uncomfortable no matter what the sex of the dancer.

Although I can hear that this whole notion is alarming to you, it almost seems that the gift is more for the father than for the son.

I would suggest that your son thank his dad for thinking of him but decline to attend if he really does not want to go. At age 21, he can decide if this is something he wants to do or not. He could suggest that his dad take one of his friends in his place. I'm not sure that you'll be able to play go-between in this situation; the refusal may need to come directly from your son.

Sincerely,

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A., PhD candidate