Expert: Jene Aviram - 7/26/2010

Question
When my son was 2 instead of playing with his cars we would line them all up in a PERFECT row.  If you would touch one, just so slightly, even without him seeing it, he'd look them over after he was finished and have a fit if one did not look right, fix it, then be ok again.  I thought that was strange but thought maybe he's just a perfectionist.  As he got older he remembers things rather quickly.  Not from me, I read, what I read reminds me of something else, start thinking and then have to read what I just read all over again.  Not him, he reads it, remembers it, tells it.  He's on the honor rolls list and has been every year.  He's in the reading and math gifted classes as of last year.  He will be in the 4th grade this year.  My concern is that he hits himself, sometimes hates himself, which was brought on worse when on allergy medicine (which we took him off of immediately), seems to be a loner, other kids think he's different or strange, repeats himself A LOT, gets angry at others when he's upset, for really no reason to any of us but obviously to him, when another child asks him if he's ok he tells them to shut up or leave him alone.  We have talks, don't believe spanking is the answer, try to be very empathetic with what's going on with him, because he is different, but amazing.  He was diagnosed with OCD and an overachiever when he was in the 1st grade, we thought maybe he had add or something or childhood depression.  Haven't been back since, can't really afford it, but I know something is going on with him.  He had a total melt down when he got his first 1/2 mark wrong on a test.  We worked through that and doesn't have those melt downs, but if he thinks he might have gotten in trouble, and most of the time he didn't, he would get in the car after school and just cry.  Thinking he was bad.  We've explained being respectful to his elders, and no matter how many times we talk to him about this or ground him from something he goes right back to the same behavior.  If he believes or has read something and an adult tells him otherwise he will confront them and tell them they are wrong, will get upset about it, cry and demand they  don't know what they are talking about.  Does any of this sound like autism or just a bad attitude?  He does good with one kid, sometimes two but not for long.  Doesn't do well with a party, ever,  I think once he did good, but had a melt down in between the day of one party to the next.  Cries every time I take him to a church program for kids and have to leave him, or to school.  Just about every day he cries when I take him to school.  He is going to be 9 on September 1st and its starting to embarrass me, which I feel bad about.  I just need advice how to help him.  He's really a great kid, not mean, tells on himself, loves to hug and loves older people.  I just don't know how to help him socialize with other kids.  It seems to be a real problem.  When I try to talk with him sometimes he just yells "I'm stupid and should just be thrown away."  or " I should just run away because I'm worthless."  That breaks my heart!  Any advise you can give will truly be appreciated.  Thank you.

Answer
Hi,

Your son is clearly a very intelligent little guy.  I definitely do NOT think he has a bad attitude.  I know you want answers and I realize that evaluations are expensive, but it's the only way to get a true answer.  It's impossible to diagnose over the Internet.  Your son really requires a comprehensive evaluation for you to get a full picture.

That being said, he definitely does not present like a typical child with autism.  It's possible that he could have Asperger's, and if that's the case, he sounds like he's on the very high end of the spectrum, which is great.  It sounds like your son has some sensory challenges.  This makes him a perfectionist, and also accounts for the fact that he's unable to deal easily with frustration and challenges.  Is it possible to get an evaluation with an Occupational Therapist through your school district or your medical insurance company?  A good OT might be able to provide your son with a lot of strategies to help him.

I'm not sure what area you live in but is the school aware of your concerns with your son?  Is it possible to speak to the psychologist?  A lot of schools have "buddy programs" and social skills groups.  This will help your son learn how to integrate with his peers.  In addition to poor social skills, he is clearly a very smart kid, and that alone sometimes makes it hard to fit in with the other kids.  (Don't be despondent though - it will serve him well later in his life!)

If you can't afford an evaluation, I would appeal to the school for extra services to help your son.  There are many things that could help him, whether it be the social worker, buddy groups, strategies to ease frustration etc.  Try and make some play dates for him too but keep them short and structured.  And let your son know ahead of time what the plan is as often as possible to keep his anxiety level down.

Your son has some challenges, but also many strengths.  There is a chance he would qualify for a diagnosis, example Aspergers or ADHD.  The benefits of getting an official diagnosis are really for two reasons:  Firstly, we like to put a name to things we don't understand and this often helps parents on an emotional level.  Secondly, a diagnosis qualifies a child for services at school.  This is why I recommend you try and get some services without a label.  That way, you don't need a diagnosis to get help for your child.

Lastly, I know that some days are easy, but some days must certainly take a toll on you.  And I commend you for seeing how remarkable your son is, and for doing everything you can to help and understand him.

I wish you great luck and success.

Jene Aviram
http://www.nlconcepts.com