Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/4/2010

Question
I have taught (and retaught) my son daily/weekly/yearly life lessons (most times, common ones, again-and-again) from about 3-yrs on; I did this with patience and long-suffering because I love him more than myself!  The MAIN problem we're facing (in these teen years)is...WE need great HELP (more importantly, HE needs IMMEDIATE help; he's so depressed and has angry outbursts from his various frustrations). When he was younger, his social ineptness (impulsiveness, rude comment perceptions & off-putting/unyielding behaviors) was less of a blow to his ego & self-worth.  Now, he's allowing these to DEFINE him--or rather, he's letting the nay-sayers win (I'm not faulting him you understand, he has blocked all those negative comments, gestures, and slights for A LONG TIME now)!  

I've never allowed others (i.e. family members)to put any 'labels' (He's too: hyperactive/talkative/rude/grown) and raised him accordingly (i.e. explained things to him, answered his constant questions of "Why?," stopped spanking him, decided that he did NOT know commonsensical things already & then proceeded to teach him)!  Unfortunately, we have never gotten the support/understanding from others needed [Plus, you should know: we have a (below)"zero"  support base which has led to fairly "nil" social lives]!

My son is EXTREMELY valuable to me and I have ALWAYS accepted and loved him with unconditional love; and although he has matured, he STILL needs teaching (Skills: life, survival,coming-of-age, coping, friendship-fostering & building,etc.).  Attention to these things can, I believe, give him some joy and hope--eradicating his depression--but, so far, I've been inept at getting any of it implemented in his life--NOT FOR THE SAKE OF NOT TRYING, believe me!  I am simply burned-out, helplessly dismayed, struggling to be heard, and FRUSTRATED that no one, aside from me (and ,him, of course) appears concerned with his plight(i.e. school).  Apparently, if a child's grades are remarkable, and that same child is never spotted interacting/intermingling/relating to ANY of his peers/classmates, there is no cause of alarm (or to be concerned, or intervene in some way) because young people devoid of healthy interactions & a lack of social stimulation have NEVER been known to have major depression then act-out on it! EVER...Right?!  

It is ridiculous, to me, that an autistic child--turned teenager--is still made to struggle with feelings of inadequacy mostly because the "official" nay-sayers won't validate him (explain/educate/empower/support), and the "inner-social-circle" nay-sayers won't accept him [boost esteem/emphasize worth/shed ignorance/foster kindness/try understanding] WITHOUT the 'official' validation!  Meanwhile, there seems to be nothing but emotional limbo for him.  Sorry about the rant!  Can you advise me on any of this please?  Do ANY of these issues seem familiar? When I read your 'Experience' section, I thought YOU should perhaps comment my response!

Answer
Hi Cori,

I'd give you a great big hug, if I could. I know exactly what you are up against.

You say you can't get him seen by anyone? Start with your family doctor. Depression is common in teenagers and you should be frank about your fears for his safety. Even "normal" teens get depressed and suicide is a serious danger in this age group. Medication may help. A mild anti-depressant can work wonders. Start with something like Zoloft or Prozac. Avoid Cymbalta (too hard to wean off of if side effects are intolerable).

Ask for a referral to a specialized psychiatrist. You may, finally, get the testing needed to validate his issues from this person. A diagnosis cannot be ignored by the public school. However, I have to say that, if his grades are good, there is little they can or will do for him at this point.

They should, however, be kind and supportive no matter what! He should be protected from bullying and included in class discussions at his intellectual level (which sounds outstanding).

Since he is nearly out of high school, I would be looking toward the future. It IS possible for him to attend college and to excel there. One of the good things about universities is that he will find many more people like himself. The "ivory tower" is full of "Aspies."

In fact, you might consider pulling him into a community college high school completion program. Many of these give college credit while also giving a high school diploma at the end. The social environment is entirely different.

Most of all, keep validating his value as a person. Be realistic in that the world IS a hard place for everyone but success is possible. See if you can get him to read some of the books written by people with autism or AS. Dr. Temple Grandin has written several about her experiences. Finding out he is not alone can go a long way to help with the depression.

My family didn't "get it" either. I kept hearing, "She could do it if she just wanted to."

Last hint: if you think he will be unable to hold a job, as soon as you get a diagnosis, apply for SSI so that he will have income to help him get along in life. It is far easier to get on before age 18. Even if he does get SSI, send him to college so that he has a shot at developing employable skills. Let him major in whatever he is passionate about but encourage some business classes or a "hard skill" minor that will pay the rent.

Write to me again. I care.

Catherine