Expert: Trey McGowan - 8/15/2010

Question
Hello....

In my family I have 2 younger cousins, one with Autism and one with AS. I do not think I am highly qualified to diagnose.. but I do know I have experience with the said syndromes.

I have been dating my boyfriend for only 5 months. In getting serious with him, he has introduced me to his 3yo (almost 4yo) son. His son only is interesting in playing 'Mario'. He repeats only what is said on the screen. Even when driving in the car, or eating out at dinner he will only say video game words, like- "Yoshi, Mario, Peach or Captain Falcon". When asked a simple question like "Are you Hungry?" He replies (Yelling) "NOO, no hungry." (He says "NO" to everything) Only after the question has been repeatably asked. When he gets excited he does (what my family calls it) the "Happy Dance", covering his face & running away. He shows absolutely NO interest in things. Does not count or say his ABC's. When he does talk on his own, you cannot understand because it sounds like he's speaking in his own language, using no sentence structure. He also has been described by others who have met him as being in his own world. When visiting family (ie. Grandma & Grandpa) he doesn't want to hug, he says again 'No'.

His father (my boyfriend) has mentioned to me before that he thought his son may have a behavioral disability, and that he brought it up to his son's mother, and she threw the idea away. Telling him there was nothing wrong with their son. I am fearful for him, if there is anything delayed in his learning, speech or hearing I feel it should be taken care of properly at a young age so we ALL know what we're dealing with, and how to help the young man.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this situation, I care about this boy & his father and only want what's best. What do y'all think?? What do I do???

Answer
Hi there, Nicole!

I understand, for sure, how frustrating it can be to want to help and yet be utterly unable to. And unfortunately, while I wish I could give you the be-all and end-all answer to the whole thing, this is one of those cases where you may be able to do absolutely nothing.

The problem here is that denial is one of the most powerful forces on Earth. While I cannot diagnose, and am not attempting to do so, it is obvious that whether there is autism or not, there is some developmental abnormality with the son. Unfortunately, in a case like this, the mother can not, or does not wish, to see the issue. And in that case, there are really only three things that can be done: take custody of the son (either partial or full), convince his mother, or simply let things happen.

The first option is a legal one, and far beyond my expertise. I don't know what relationship the pair have at the moment, so I can only say that this, obviously, can be one of the most stressful and potentially unhelpful options, if everyone is otherwise happy.

The second option is extremely difficult. You can't simply give her the information and expect her to see it. And yet, offering the information, and talking to her in an understanding way rather than a challenging way, may be the only option that is available. She has to come to terms with the issue (if there is indeed one), and she will likely need support to do so. A therapist will likely be a lot of help, but again, you can't force her to see one. All you can do is offer the information and the support, and pray that it is something she will, or even *can*, accept and understand. This is the best option, but also the one with the most chance of failure. It strongly hinges upon acceptance. Pamphlets, books, the word of experts... don't force them on her saying how wrong she is, but rather, offer it as information, and give support if needed.

This leaves, of course, the third option: just letting things happen. While the easiest to you, there is a chance that she may not be able to see the issue for a long while, if ever. There is a *good* chance it will be some time before her denial releases hold, and if there is a developmental disorder, this is precious time that could be used for education. However, at the same time, it is something that she must come to terms with her own self, in any way, and some people need to do it on their own time. Otherwise, the more you push, the more she may draw back, and the less chance you may have of being able to offer *any* social or educational assistance.

All in all, I wish there was a quick, simple, easy answer. But there are far too many options to this story that aren't being told, so all I can say are what I see as 'the three options' and let you consider them. If you have further questions involving any part of this, or general questions, comments, feedback, or follow ups? I'm always available, and I wish you the best!

Trey