Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 8/16/2010

Question
I'm 45, my husband's 47 and I've got a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. My son has AS and is doing well for himself; my daughter is working for a local luxury car dealership.

My 25-year-old daughter is engaged to her fiance, who she's been with for 4 years now, their wedding is planned for 2 years from now. Her fiance is 28 and works in marketing.
They have a 2-year-old son.

Last night my son told us [not his sister, since she lives with her fiance] how her fiance had been buying him gifts and food recently, and that he slept with her fiance.
He didn't want to, he said, but her fiance made him do it - and did it non-forcefully, just persuasion. Eventually my son relented. My son was on a night out with his friends, he'd come back home [we were out at our parents that night] and his sister's fiance pulled up outside, asking if he wanted a drink. Thinking he could trust him (my son thought that his sister's fiance was a trustworthy person) he accepted the lift, but ended up in a hotel room with him where he gave my son presents which included food, underwear and a high-value Italian suit.

He then coerced my son into sleeping with him. My son said no, but his continual pleas wore my son down.

My son has told me he is explicitly not homosexual, and feels shameful about this. He told me how he vomited right after.

He feels embarrassed and upset about the whole thing and worries his sister would find out.

My son told me he doesn't know how to cope, and wants to know how to deal with this. He feels stressed and unhappy.

We're furious with our daughter's fiance - but what's the best way to deal with the situation without causing drama?

Answer
I can see how upsetting this is for you, your husband and son. What an unpleasant situation.

I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well. It's delightful to hear when a child with AS grows up to be a successful adult. You must be very proud.

At the same time you must be very worried about your daughter and her choice of future partner.

I also understand how your son would feel shameful about the actions of that night. For one, he violated his sister's trust, on top of the homosexual issues.

But he is no longer a child. He's an adult and made a choice. Whether or not he truly does have homosexual feelings will be causing him conflict on top of betraying his sister. While you certainly are furious with your future son-in-law, this incident was not 100% his fault; he had a consensual partner, no matter who the instigator was.

This situation has the potential to hurt all of your family. For your son, I'd suggest that he seek out a counselor he can talk with. What he discusses will be confidential. Some people with AS may be naive in some situations and not see the reason behind some of the actions of others. A counselor could help your son look at all the actions leading up to that night, the signs he might have overlooked or misread, at ways to firmly state his case and stick to it and also to explain his sexual feelings.

You may have to decide whether or not to let your daughter know about the incident; you must be horribly worried about her. Should she know that she may be marrying a bisexual man and a man who may not be faithful to her? This is also a man with a very poor sense of propriety - seducing his brother-in-law-to-be, creating family conflicts. If your son or you do not tell your daughter about this situation, her fiance might. Would it be better for her to hear it from you, her brother or fiance?

Although we all know that our actions have consequences it's very sad that those we love may be hurt by our choices. I feel for you and your family.

Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell