Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 9/28/2010

Question
Our daughter, I believe, may be struggling with Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
She has not been diagnosed. Her 4 year old son also seems to struggle with a
more severe form. We are finding it difficult to communicate the importance
of finding help. Our daughter just isn't acting on our advice. She is quite
scattered (cannot stick to a routine), lacks patience with him and is quite
emotional and frustrated as a mother.  I take him as often as I can and he
seems to thrive in our calm, patient, more structured home. However, I feel
that my hands are tied to do much more under the circumstance since we are
not the parents. What more would you suggest I do as a parent and
grandparent to see that they - especially he -  get adequate care?

Answer
Hi Karen,

You are right that you have little power to get him diagnosed as you are not his custodial parent. All you can do, right now, is keep expressing your concern and try to support your daughter in becoming a better parent. You don't mention his father so I assume she's raising him alone?

Do you believe she knows of her own possible autism? If so, you may be able to get her to relate how it makes her life difficult to how difficult his life will be if he does not get the help that is now available. One of the hardest things for people with autism is seeing things from someone else's perspective. So, she may not get it.

Some autistic adults are very successful parents, but they acknowledge their problem and actively educate themselves about child rearing.

I assume that he will enter kindergarten next year. While sooner is better in getting treatment, at least you can be assured his problems will be obvious to his teachers. If, at that time, she fails to pursue diagnosis and treatment, you will have grounds to interfere.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself this question. Are you prepared to seek custody of your grandson in court by proving your daughter an unfit mother?

I don't envy your dilemma. I wish I knew of some resources for you. I don't think a book has been written addressing this particular issue.

Best wishes,
Catherine