Expert: Paul Johnson - 9/26/2010

Question
I have recently started dating a young man with Asberger's. He was up front and honest with me. I haven't had the opportunity to spend a large amount of time with him, but I am wondering what the long term implications would be. Will it be hard for him to be close with me? Is it like that if we had children, that they would have Asberger's. I am all about looking past a person's past/disability, but I also have to look at my future.

Answer
Hey Samantha,

Thank you for your challenging and well thought through question.
I think this is an interesting topic that I am surprised I have not heard more often. As an Aspie that has been married for 22 years and 5 years of dating, I have some thoughts about

With that being said you are in for some very certain expectations. One is expect that he will be emotionally distant, expect that he will struggle in expressing himself emotionally, expect that he will require a great deal of time alone, expect that he might not want or appreciate physical affection outside of sex. A man on the spectrum will appear to be selfish with his emotional needs, you will have to show him what you will expect from him-affection wise. It is not that he does not want to reciprocate, it is more that he does not know how.

He will likely be a stand apart father. Again needing to be shown specifically what is necessary to be a attentive father. On the positive side; Aspies are very loyal and will love from their heart. When he is ready to express his feelings to you it will come passionately and sincerely. You will have no doubt you are the only thing in his universe at that time.

In general if you compare your self to your sister's or you girlfriend's relationship, years from now you will discover that their men appears to know how to attend to their needs more consistently and directly, compared to yours. However you will have a loyal man that will want you to be happy at all times and would never ever willfully hurt you. Although unconsciously he might hurt your feelings from time to time.

I hope I covered it all but am not sure. Feel free to react with a follow up question if I did not adequately cover an aspect of your question.