Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/22/2011

Question
Hi my daughter has mild-moderate Autism.  She was diagnosed less than 2 months ago.  My husband and I are not seeing eye to eye about how to discipline her.  I think because she is Autistic, I am soft on her.  I'm not consistent with discipline.  Sometimes I think she doesn't understand what I've said/asked of her, so I don't feel it's right to discipline her for not doing what I asked.  I know she doesn't see the world the same way we do, and doesn't always understand things.  I don't want to feel like I'm disciplining her sometimes for things that are out of her control.  For example, she makes a lot of mess when she eats.  She eats with her hands and plays with the food.  We give her a fork and spoon but she doesn't really use them.  I have taught her how to use them and she can use them. My husband thinks she should be disciplined for making a mess eg getting no pudding.  We have such a close bond.  She is so affectionate and loving and I don't want that to change.  I know I'm her mother and have to be her parent, not her friend.
Also, I don't believe it's ok to yell at her.  My husband does not seem to understand anything about Autism and what it means.  He hasn't bothered to read anything about it.  I have done my research and he has done absolutely nothing to find out what it is.  It feels like he doesn't care...

Answer
Hi Renee,

It's possible your husband is still in denial about your daughter's diagnosis. Hopefully, he will come to see that it will not go away just because he wishes it to. If necessary, encourage him to join you in some counseling sessions to work this out. Both parents need to be on the same page.

You are correct. You are her mother, not her friend. Setting reasonable limits and keeping to them is absolutely necessary with any child. Don't make the mistake of letting autism be an excuse for bad behavior.

I prefer "guidance" which implies teaching to "discipline" which implies punishment. I don't think punishment is useful with autistic children. There are ways to reinforce rules without yelling, which they tune out, or hitting which just drives them further into themselves. Keep consequences simple and short if needed at all. Try to catch her doing things right. Redirect behavior as soon as you see it heading in the wrong direction rather than waiting for her to make a mistake and punishing her for it.

Take eating for example. She should be required to use a utensil to eat things like soup, pudding, other "messy" foods. It is likely that the tactile (touch) stimulation of playing with her food helps her in some way. Perhaps you can provide this same stimulation at times other than meals. Let her play with modeling clay, dried beans, finger painting, etc. You can even make these a reward for using her spoon at dinner time. There are a lot of "normal" four year olds who play with their food. She's not, necessarily, acting differently from her age peers.

She is pretty young to understand "if, then" consequences. Don't make threats like "if you don't use a spoon, you won't get dessert." Nor is bribery a good thing. Instead, when you see good behavior, make a good thing happen. If you see undesirable behavior, correct it by helping her do it right.

Give simple directions, one at a time. If you don't get compliance, give the direction again and literally walk her through it. "Suzy, put your shoes in the closet." If she does, wonderful. "Thank you." Or, repeat the direction, take her to the shoes, hand them to her, walk her to the closet. Once it's complete, thank her. Make compliance pleasant even if you have to help.

Do an Internet search for an autism support organization in your area. You need to talk to some parents who have some experience.

Best wishes,
Catherine