Expert: Paul Johnson - 1/9/2011

Question
i don't know what he has been diagnosed with, as his family 'cant remember what its called', but i suspect it could be aspergers. due to economic reasons we are going to be combining our households. he lives alone now and seems ok with this move. my question is, is there anything we could be doing to make this go smoothly for us as well as him. i have a feeling he will remain in his room most of the time but i would hope he doesn't feel he has to. he cares about my son who is 9 months (he says it in different ways though, like 'you'd better be taking care of him' or 'put him in a good school') but he refuses to hold or interact with the baby. would having a child in the house be too much and cause a problem for him? should i just let him be or should i try to include him in things that we do? i would never want to be pushy but i try to be inviting.

Answer
Hey Mira,

I greatly appreciate your question as it is unique and combines many topics which affect the life and lifestyles of us on the spectrum.

I am going to make two assumptions about your question because two import components are not clear. One I will assume he has Asperger's Syndrome and two that we are talking about a person that is a young adult. I guess it isn t crucial but it helps me to visualize the individual you are referring to and allows me to take some liberties in answering the question.

Your son in law will probably need to have a great deal of space and allowed to be independent.
He will try to create his own space and own routine. The important thing to do is respect this attempt, however I think it is important to have a family process which will include his participation. I think it is ultimately helathy for all individuals on the ASD to interact at some point.

Don't worry about his lack of touch or interactions with the baby. Intimacy is something that we all struggle with and does not come naturally. The important thing to bear in mind is to be mindful of the cries of the baby or anything that might involve any extremes of sensory out put. The sight snd sound will annoy him, Yet it is still his responsibility to express to you what those limits are.

One last thing to be mindful of, the transition will be stressful to him at first and try to check in with him from time to time because he is not very likely to share how much it bothers him.