Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 10/25/2011

Question
My high functioning 8 year old autistic son is currently in a private school for the first time this year. To give some background he has been a model student with his behavior up to this point. He is autistic but a rule follower. He does struggle with school work but is a hard worker and gets mostly A's and some B's. About 3 week's ago my son reported to us about a missing recess everyday due to he had to finish his schoolwork everyday during that time. We did not know the policy but went to the administrator to ask and she stated that this is not suppose to happen everyday and she would discuss this with the teacher and get back with us. We waited and she never got back to us on this issue. Three days later our son brought back his first ever discipline note from school. Since then he has not gone to days with-out an issue with discipline. The first two was for talking out of turn and inappropriately during lunch time. His behavior has gotten worst and the reports now he has become a disruptive influence across the board with almost every class. He has    accused the teachers of yelling at students inappropriately, and placing them in time-outs in front of the class. We have a meeting scheduled with all teachers and my son scheduled in a couple of days. How it was explained to me by the Administrator the teachers can defend what has been said by him concerning these issues. She stated she has had success in the past with handling this kind of issue this way.

1) As a parent I am not sure this is the best way to handle      this issue.
2)I also want my son to be held responsible for his part with his behavior.
3) Some of these issues could have been avoided with better communication between parent and teacher dealing with these recent developments.

Me and my wife have decided to look into home schooling or back into the public school setting fighting for services again. We would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to deal with these issues. Thank-You

Answer
Hi Paul,

Your plan for the meeting looks good. I know it's hard when you feel your child is being wronged, but try to listen first and then ask questions. Some questions you may want to ask include:

What was the first behavior that caused the teacher to feel your son needed discipline? The reason for this question is that I think a downward spiral began with a simple thing. It may be as simple as the appearance that he was not paying attention because his body language is not like the other kids'.

What does the teacher say to your son when he first begins to seem "out of line"? Is there a specific instruction such as "it is time to sit in our seats, now" or does the teacher just express displeasure and expect your son to figure out the proper behavior? As you know, he likes to follow rules, but he has to know what they are in very specific terms.

What is the plan to help your son understand the teacher's expectations? Help the teacher to understand your son does not generalize information, he has to have specific instructions for each situation.

Even though autistic people don't do well with social skills they do know if someone does not like them. This could be a genuine personality conflict. This is very hard to fix between teacher and student. Being singled out in front of the class makes any student unhappy. If the child feels it's unfair, to boot, there's trouble to come.

Missing recesses is likely to cause your son to become more fidgety in class. He needs large muscle activity to help balance the "sit still" time in the classroom. This should be pointed out in the meeting. Make a plan for other time to complete assignments, such as bringing them home.

I agree, lack of successful communication is probably at the root of this. Hopefully, you can give the teacher some guidelines that will be helpful. Give examples of what has worked in the past.

Let me know how it goes.