Expert: Paul Johnson - 10/3/2011

Question
I have a son, John (not his real name), who's 21, with Asperger's syndrome, he's a lovely, kind caring guy, works in a local DIY store in a loading/unloading capacity and has some friends at the store - of mixed ages.
From what our family know of Asperger's syndrome/autism, people with the disorder tend to have problems with imagination, but is it common for them to have an alter-ego?
My son does, and she's called Claire. He told me he wants to stop living as John and live as Claire fulltime. He told us that he's dressed up as her in secret and gone out in the gay/lesbian bars around Ontario with his friend Jenny (not her real name) as they're the only places that would/do accept "her". Jenny's wholeheartedly accepted his alter ego. Our son explained his alter-ego is just the female version of him.
He then went on and explained he doesn't want a sex-change as it's (to him) expensive, irreversible (or hard to reverse, anyway, he told us to look up the Charles Kane story, look it upo on Google) and might not even be relevant. Jenny is about his only true friend, and she's bisexual, tends to hang out in the lesbian bars amongst Ontario's LGBT. My son then explained to us that his attractions have not changed; he still likes women sexually, it's just he's in the wrong body, but doesn't want to risk surgery as they haven't advanced it to the stage where it's reversible (yet). He also told us that Jenny and her friend Laura help him look as realistically close to a woman as possible without looking like a drag queen.
The issue here isn't sexuality but whether we can accept it; I can, to a degree, but my husband is less accepting of it, and his sister (who's older, at 27) accepts it. His younger brother, who's 14, seems to think he's "camping it up" and knows of what he's done (being Claire) and equates it with being gay.
So it seems like we don't know what to do. This is a big revelation for us, and to be honest, I don't know what to do.
It's put my son into depression, but only a little - not full-scale depression.

He wants a girlfriend, but is wondering if any lesbian would accept him for who he is - the same as some lesbians are accepting of dating female-to-males who haven't had full surgery as "butch" lesbians (I did some Google research on this).
I realize this is a slightly unusual problem, but to be honest, I'm wondering, where does this fall as an issue on the autism/Asperger's spectrum? Relationships? Dating/sexuality?

I would appreciate any help you have to offer on how to handle this issue.

Answer
Hey Marie,


Thank you for the question.

I have read and re read your question. As far as I understand, your question does not appear to pertain to Autism at all. It is a dating and transgender question. I carefully thought it through and i do not think there are aspects of Autism in the developmental process he is experiencing. You called it an alter ego. yet described him as immersed in an identity as viewing self as female. What am I missing?

Perhaps you can rephrase the question and submit it to me again. Could you emphasize what possible aspects of Autism as you see him affects his dating/sexual identity ?