Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 2/16/2011

Question
Hi. I'm a student at a public university. Recently I met a boy with aspergers who's in two of my classes. People are somewhat mean to him, so I took it upon myself to be nice to him. The issue is that now he seems to have fixated on me and it is making me uncomfortable. Every day before class when I like to read over my notes, he approaches me and tells me things, looks at what I wrote in my notebook, asks about any doodles I drew in it, looks at who I'm texting on my phone, etc. and it all seems pretty invasive. He gets upset if I don't sit in the same desk every class and he waits for me after class. If i try to run out of class he follows me and yells my name. He gives me hugs which I am not fond of. If I miss a class the next day he must know why. Lately I've been avoiding him but I can't bring myself to say anything mean, so this behavior has not stopped or lessened at all. I have anxiety about going to school because I'm feeling smothered and don't know how to handle this situation. Please help.

Answer
Hi Eden,

Sadly, this is a common occurrence. His lack of social understanding keeps him from recognizing the limits of "polite" interaction. Set some clear parameters. He can learn to respect your boundaries but he has to be TOLD what they are. He will not intuit from your body language when you are available to converse or when you wish to be left alone. Your kindness is a special gift to him. He is surely not accustomed to it and wants all he can absorb. Hopefully, he will learn how you wish him to behave.

Use kind, but direct, communication. Statements like, "John, I need you to stop reading my notes. It makes me uncomfortable." "When I want to talk to you after class, I will wait for you. If I hurry out, I have someplace to go and cannot spend time visiting." If he does not get the either/or kind of thing, just communicate in the moment, "I can't stay and talk today." Transitions are difficult for A.S. people so warning him, as soon as class is over, that you are in a hurry may help to keep him from following you and calling out. I hope you can continue to be his classroom friend even if you don't want to interact outside the classroom.

Try this for a week or two. If he really becomes unbearable, seek help from the school's disability resource center. I'm pretty sure there will be one.

I did a little web searching for autism and friendship information and didn't find much applicable to adults. You're a pioneer. Perhaps there's a book in this experience.

Best wishes,
Catherine