Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 2/20/2011

Question
My grandson (8) was diagnosed as High Achieving Autism.  His mother refuses to accept this label and he is now doing well at school.  He is computer literate (love maths programmes)spells  reads above his age level, and has a very good imagination.  He has favourite dvd's which he plays over and over and uses as the basis of imaginary stories 'in my head' complete with sound effects.  He has a few good friends, but has problems with conversation.  He accepts affection from others, will occasionally give a hug.  He hand flaps when excited but this is diminishing. He has begun walking on his toes and his mother has been told he has a heel problem.  There seem to hints of autism but he does seem to be outgrowing it  However my main concern is the way he behaves to his mother (sole parent) in public. He is tall for his age, almost as tall as his mum, and he insists on sitting on her knee, cuddling and kissing her.  If we go to a restaurant he will leave his seat and come and twine himself about his mother.  It is only in the past few years that he has been able to sleep by himself.  He still gets into bed with his mother when he wakes in the morning.  He also constantly pulls at his penis.  This public behaviour especially in a child who seems much older because of his height is becoming a problem

Answer
Hi Margaret,

High Functioning Autistic kids can often to well in school, academically. Most are very bright. However, he is exhibiting some classic signs of autism by failing to understand the social limits. As he gets older, these social deficits are going to show up as trouble with his peers.

Most children with HFA or Asperger's Syndrome are emotionally delayed. He may be physically eight but he is probably operating at the age of four or five, emotionally. This explains all kinds of things including the sitting in Mom's lap and touching himself in public. Most autistic children become very enmeshed with their primary parent. They don't recognize the separation between themselves and the parent. The parent must, gently, define the boundaries for them.

It sounds like he has no father in the home? If this is so, you may need to have a frank conversation with your daughter about being sure she is not meeting her own needs at his expense, by allowing him to climb into her bed for very long. I don't object to a child having a quick hug in the parent's bed in the morning, but extended cuddling should be terminated in favor of more mature behavior. The message "big boys don't sleep in Mommy's bed" needs to be given.

His mother is doing him no favor by allowing these behaviors. He must be directed in proper social behavior. This means that when he climbs in her lap at the restaurant, his mother must return him to his own chair or be prepared to leave the establishment (a logical consequence). He will not generalize the information well. Just because he's taught not to do it in a restaurant does not mean he will not do it at the grocery store. He has to learn the rules for each situation.

Whether or not his mother wants to accept the diagnosis, she must teach appropriate social behavior. No one would expect a non-autistic boy of eight to behave this way. If she is maintaining that he is not on spectrum, why is she accepting less than "normal" behavior?

Being the grandparent, your power in the situation is limited. You can discuss and encourage but you can't make the rules. However, you can require appropriate behavior when you are in charge of him in your own home. I hope your daughter will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Catherine