Expert: Paul Johnson - 2/8/2011

Question
Dear Paul

I have a friend whom I suspect has Asperger's Syndrome. My elder brother, who is 24 this year, is diagnosed with this condition and thus I am quite familiar with the symptoms.

Friends have told me that this mutual friend of ours "talks too much" and is "insensitive", which I realised shortly after knowing him a bit better. Although he is chatty and approaches others, his conversations tend to be awkward and he does not seem to detect the other party's disinterest. Additionally, he often has lengthy replies or status updates on Facebook. Despite getting brief replies from others, he is unable to tell that they hope to end the conversation and continues with another long reply.

While he knows "theoretical" social norms and such, I noticed that he lacks ability to express himself or act "appropriately" in real life. Also, he enjoys repetition and tends to only immerse himself in guitar and his duty of being in charge of the freshies while staying in College.

Before I noticed that his behaviour is highly similar to that of my brother's (except with different hobbies/obsessions), I once mentioned this condition and he had never heard of it before. Now I am rather surprised that no one seems to have brought this up with him before, especially when both his parents and two siblings are doctors.

Do you think I should tell him and, if so, how do you think I could broach this subject? He is 23 years old this year, if it helps.

Thank you very much.

Danielle

Answer
Hey Danielle,

Thank you for your informed and interesting question.

The lengthy detail of your friend is interesting but to be honest, I trust your judgement.
I think if you feel he is an Aspie, that is good enough for me. I would agree by your description of him.

However to answer your question: No you should not tell him he has Asperger's Syndrome. He does not have the structure around him to help him integrate the information regarding his new identity. In my practice I use identity as an integral part of helping redefine who they are with understanding ASD's. With your friend there is a very high probability he would view you as trying to define him with some funny diagnosis because you see him as having "something wrong with him" He will need to discover what AS is and that it fits for him. The diagnosis I believe is a discovery for all of us. Don't you think it was a discovery for your brother?

Your brother might talk about how fun and interesting he think his life is now that he is on the spectrum, and likely the friend will relate and self identify accordingly. This is the best plan.
In school we were taught to not diagnose a client before they were prepare to receive it, they will always resist. I have found there is much wisdom in this adage.