Expert: Paul Johnson - 3/3/2011

Question
I am concerned my friend has Aspergers syndrome, he is 24 years old and I have been close friends with him for 11 years. He is single and never had a girlfiend/relationship that I am aware of.

He is currently working full time in the electronic manufacturing industry. He did not begin searching for employment until he was 22 and it took over a year to find this job. One of the main things that stopped him gaining employment was that he struggled to answer relatively simple questions that he had not thought of prior, one such incident occurred and when I asked him what the question was he stated he didn't remember and that he would remember it in a few days. When I questioned him about this he stated that was the way his mind worked. This type of behavior is not unusual he often struggles to answer simple questions or answers with a very long winded response when a few words would suffice.

Another factor that stopped him getting a job was that he is very thorough and slow with all tasks that he undertakes. This is evident in everything he does, he is very passionate about electronics and knows it very well, it is a hobby of his that he does when not working however it is always this very slow and meticulous process. This is also evident with most tasks such as washing the car, writing e-mails etc

He is very good with electronics but often misses the obvious things in front of him with day to day tasks.

He has a habit of collecting alot of things and holding onto things that were given to him years ago even when they do not work. He becomes very protective of these things and has an exact system of where things belong, although he does not rigidly stick to it everything will be returned to its place. This behavior is also present in other things he does such as stacking groceries away. Once again it is not always followed rigidly but mostly.

He is often a nervous guy and doesn't really have any other friends. He is keen to meet new people and does so but struggles to make a connection and step onto friendship. We went through some tough times together during high school often being picked on and teased for being different, that I feel have contributed to these social inabilities of his.

He also has a keen sense of smell and is very particular with the way he eats, he will try new things but is unlikely to eat them again and generally eats the exact same thing every week. I feel that this is not a big issue for him as he is not smelling everything he eats and the way he was raised was around rigid eating patterns however I thought it was worth mentioning.

I am very concerned about my friend and want him to live a happy life, he seems happy with where he is now however we have never spoken about things like this.  Am I reading too much into things? I would also appreciate any tips on approaching the issue with him.

Answer
Hey Rhys,

Thank you for your unique and relevant question.

To answer your question I will have to pose a philosophical question.

How does one view a problem when they have created a complete system to address the problem?
Your friend is displaying behaviors of a person that has developed into their adult life with Asperger's Syndrome. Bear in mind we are discussing a developmental diagnosis. Thus in an ideal world, his characteristics of developmental delays would be discovered by a clinician around the age of 7 years old or so. At that point he would receive treatment to be able to interact with a world that appears weird and unfamiliar to him. More importantly he would view the helping professional as a source of support that he could align with in a manner that would help him develop an identity of a person that CAN learn to interact responsibly.

However we both know things did not go ideally in his life. And we also know nobody's to blame for this. So we have a young man that unconsciously recognizes that he struggles greatly at things that come very easy to most people. He also recognizes that he has Savant traits with all things electronic. He also is unaware the extent his struggles are known by other's. To him he simply needs to develop and elaborate system to cope and all is fixed, all is well.

Into this scene you come and label his struggles and offer ways to undo or improve on all the work he has produced to fix his problem. I know you are well intentioned and he knows you are well intentioned, however he is very likely to resist.

Virtually anybody who is told they have a problem from another person and they do not see it themselves will resist.

So what do I recommend?

Mention to him that you notice he finds socializing difficult and ask him how he has coped.
At this point he will share with you with pride his system that he has developed to deal.
Share in his pride and support or shape what he has created. Do not criticize it in any way

The most important thing you will accomplish with this approach is that he will notice how eager you are to share his struggle and willingness to walk WITH him. This is what he needs from you the most.

Lastly, share with him how excited you are that you have found a website like Autism hangout.
In his desire to see what the big deal is; he will investigate it and probably recognize himself in what he is reading. This way you have led the horse to water-sort to speak. And he will have enthusiasm to address parts of himself that he views with wonder.