Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 3/30/2011

Question
My son is almost 4. We had him totally set with a routine of snack, milk, bed and a "big boy" bed. I recently had a baby, he will not go to bed. We follow the same routine and he comes out of his room dozens of times. Will not lay down. He doesn't want Daddy, and I have even tried laying with him for awhile and he just follows me out. We have just started letting him pass out on the couch. What do I do?

Answer
Hi April,

I assume, since you are posting this here, that your son is on the autistic spectrum.

The arrival of a new baby often upsets a first born child. He is not used to sharing you. Most autistic kids are overly bonded to their primary parent because they depend on them to interpret the world. He senses he may lose the center place in your attention.

In reality, this is somewhat true. You don't love him less, but your time and attention must be divided so you can care for the baby.

As much as possible, involve him in your activities with and without the baby. Make sure he gets special time with you every day. Read to him at bedtime, for instance. Let him help bake cookies, make play dough, color pictures. (I know, you're exhausted!) Get his grandparents to bring him a gift when they visit (not every time) and take him out for ice cream once in a while. Daddy can help with the baby and also create some new activities with your son like going to the park or playground.

Make being the "big brother" a position of privilege. If he is not in preschool, it might be a good idea to find one for him. Only big boys get to go to school, after all. This gives you a break, too.

This transition can be difficult in all families. Autism makes it harder.

Also, check out "social stories". These simple books teach the child, using him as the central character, to deal with specific situations. Go here: <http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories>(example stories you can use) If you cannot order one for him, make your own with stick figures or let him help write it. Once you read a couple, you'll get the formula.

One word of caution: autistic children have no idea that others have feelings. As the baby becomes more active, your son my react with hitting or other behavior to try to control her/him. Don't leave them unsupervised. This may not happen, but it's something to be aware of.

Get as much rest as you can. A tired parent is not the best parent. Hang in there, you'll get through it.

Best wishes,
Catherine