Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 3/14/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I found this Q&A "Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 7/4/2009" just today and it's the closest thing I've found so far that depicts how things are with my family.  I am a married male from Houston, TX and I have a daughter of 17 months and a stepson of 11 years. He has been diagnosed with Asperger's.  I hate that I feel this way, but, I resent him.  I know this is mainly my problem but it's hurting my marriage and I don't know where to go.  I would like to find more information about step parenting asperger's.  

I know, it shouldn't matter if he is my stepson or biological son.  I know how I am supposed to act, and be, and feel, and I know I am extremely self centered on this but it's the way I feel.  Any information would be greatly appreciated.

ANSWER: Hi Tanner,

Step-parenting is hard no matter whether the children are "normal" or not. Anytime a child has a disability it adds to the stress. In my opinion, the best way to step-parent is just to be a parent. If you are getting the "you're not my daddy" routine, the answer is that while he's in your house, that's your job. Families don't work if one parent is seen as lacking authority. (I use the word "authority" carefully. I don't mean the "power to punish". I mean that each parent backs the other and decisions can be made and followed through by both.)

It is true that parenting an Asperger's child is difficult. And, whether they admit it or not, most parents, both natural and "step", resent the child at one time or another.

I think the best course is to educate yourself about the issues your stepson faces and the best ways to deal with them.

I can help more if you can tell me about some specific problems you are having with him. Then, I can suggest some ideas that may help make it better for you all. Please, write back with some situations that you would like to correct.

Best wishes,
Catherine

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Catherine,

One specific thing I'd like to correct is getting up at night.  My wife and I both have told him not to get up at night when it's bed time unless it was an emergency.  We have even tried taking away any distractions (ie his favorite toy, game boy, etc.) for the night so there are no temptations for him to get out of bed.  We have even let him stay up and read if he wants to, as long as he stays in his bed and doesn't start playing with anything.  Inevitably, he ends up on the floor playing with something.  It wouldn't be such a big deal except that his little sister sleeps in the room beside him and he wakes her up.  Then me or my wife has to go in and get her back to sleep.  It seems like getting in trouble has an immediate affect but does not last.
It's just very frustrating to talk to him and try to explain things.  I want to make sure he knows that I'm not just being mean, there are reasons we have rules like this.  I think I get through to him but he's back to it the next night.  I know losing a little sleep is a small thing on the grand scale but it starts to take a toll after a while.  Any help with this would be greatly appreciated,
Tanner

Answer
Hi Tanner,

Sleep disorders seem to be common with kids on the autistic spectrum. They often don't need as much sleep as other kids and have very irregular hours.

A separate room would go a long way toward fixing this. But, I'm sure you'd do that if it were possible.

You might consider making a place for him to go when he can't sleep. Maybe the couch in the living room with a blanket handy? You'd have to disable the television, probably, but he would not be waking his sister. If he fell back asleep, at least he'd be on something better than the floor.

Sometimes, unconventional solutions are the best.

Best wishes,
Catherine