Expert: Paul Johnson - 4/4/2011

Question
I wanted to ask you something that I had asked Catherine Ridenour for another answer. I'm not sure what to do.

I'm 24 years old and the girlfriend of a 19 year old autistic boy. His younger brother, 18, is also autistic. His parents are currently going through a divorce and has gone through a lot of changes that I have notice in the past year of being here that have affected them a lot. I'm a little frustrated though, because my boyfriend and I want to stay where we live and live with his father, but his mother is wanting to up and move them both to another state. She doesn't listen to anything her oldest son wants. He's been wanting to go to college and still has yet to take him to get enrolled. She looks at their autism and not at them, and it bothers me a lot. I stick up for my boyfriend a lot, because he's too afraid to say anything to his mom about anything. And I get sick of her treating them like they're two years old, when they're adults. Should I continue sticking up for my boyfriend and his brother, and help them realize they can do anything like any other person out there? I don't know what do anymore.

Also, it's been hard, because a judge has already said, that the longest she can get child support for either one is when the youngest one turns 19, for back child support. That'll be in November. She wants to suck their dad dry of money, since they have autism. My boyfriend though on the other hand, he is very high functioning and honestly really doesn't seem like he shows any symptoms of autism except that he does have a bit of a speech problem.

He is wanting to stay here with his dad, and his mom wants to move to another state. I don't blame him. His mom as completely lost it. She gets SSI for the youngest but does nothing to save the money to help to provide for her kids. She spends all her money on those scratcher tickets, lotto tickets and going out to the bar, to the point that she's broke. This is not a good influence in my opinion. And if my boyfriend chooses to stay with his dad who said he'll support him in his decisions, then should he not have that choice as an adult, and not just another autistic person.

When I look at him, I see past the autism. I don't see that at all. I see a smart, bright guy who wants to makes something of himself in life.

Am I doing the right thing?

Answer
Hey Katie,

Thank you for your challenging question.

I will start where you ended. You made a statement followed by a question to end your portrayal of his situation and your dilemma. Am I doing the right thing? What you are doing about HIS situation is irrelevant because you are a girlfriend to a man in a dysfunctional family dynamic. This puts you in a position of being caught up in their dysfunction. The family is greater than the individual thus you are powerless as an outsider to affect their dynamics. So there is nothing to do but depend upon your boyfriends decision.

You also stated that when you see him YOU see a smart, bright guy. Again this is fine and dandy, but that does not change things. HE needs to see him self as a bright and smart guy. He also needs to see him self as independent and courageous. These are the characteristics that will emancipate him from the dysfunctional family. If he does not apply these attributes in a manner that addresses his relationship dynamics, he will continue to be dependent and immature.

You are powerless to the situation and a powerless and immature boyfriend does not make for a healthy/committed relationship. He has to decide what he wants, unfortunately it seems like he will remain dependent a while longer. People on the ASD tend to have their identity forged by a loved one, so it takes longer if ever for us to mature.