Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 4/2/2011

Question
I'm 24 years old and the girlfriend of a 19 year old autistic boy. His younger brother, 18, is also autistic. His parents are currently going through a divorce and has gone through a lot of changes that I have notice in the past year of being here that have affected them a lot. I'm a little frustrated though, because my boyfriend and I want to stay where we live and live with his father, but his mother is wanting to up and move them both to another state. She doesn't listen to anything her oldest son wants. He's been wanting to go to college and still has yet to take him to get enrolled. She looks at their autism and not at them, and it bothers me a lot. I stick up for my boyfriend a lot, because he's too afraid to say anything to his mom about anything. And I get sick of her treating them like they're two years old, when they're adults. Should I continue sticking up for my boyfrined and his brother, and help them realize they can do anything like any other person out there? I don't know what do anymore.

Answer
Hi Katie,

It's important to analyze who is the more supportive parent. His mother is probably over-protective, but she's been fighting for him his whole life. It gets to be a habit. Is his father willing and able to help him launch into the world? Mom does need to let go but she's not going to do it on your say so. Ultimately, your boyfriend is going to have to decide for himself. He may not be ready, yet.

As to attending college, I'm all for it. However, he is the one who must take the initiative and go enroll, take his SATs and apply for financial aid. Does he drive, yet? Or, can he negotiate public transportation? Certain life skills have to come in order. If he is ready, moving away from both parents to attend school can be a good thing provided he has sufficient support from a disability resource person at the school.

One very important thing to be aware of; most autistic people are about 3-5 years behind their chronological age, emotionally. So, while he's legally and physically an adult, he's still operating in his mid-teens emotionally.

You have probably already had people question why a 24 year old woman is involved with a 19 year old man. I'm not going to criticize you, but I encourage you to think carefully about how much maturation he still has ahead of him, not only in terms of normal age but in terms of emotional "catch-up time". He will reach adult emotional capability but it won't be for another 5 years or so. This relationship is going to be "lopsided" for a long time.

I wish you both well.

Catherine