Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 4/28/2011

Question
Hello!
 Our neighbors have a 7 year old son with aspergers. He is a wonderful child, but recently started getting into trouble at school with anger issues.  I have seen this in my own back yard. My son who is also 7 has played with him since they were 2 and consider themselves best friends.  With the recent anger issues, the neighbor boy (Dylan) has been hitting my son whenever something doesnt go his way. Ive been there when his mother has spoken to him about it so I know she is dealing with it.  We are also good friends. I dont know how to handle this situation. I have told my son to walk away when that happens, but the violence has gotten more hurtful. (Today he threw a thick wooden stick at his back because he didnt want to play a certain game)  Im afraid this will hurt my close friendship with my neighbor if I tell my son to stop playing with Dylan all together. (which is were I am headed) PLEASE HELP! Thank you!

Answer
Hi Stephanie,

This is a very difficult situation for everyone. Your first priority has to be your son's safety.

It is important to know that people with Asperger's have great difficulty knowing that they are getting angry/sad/happy. Emotions seem to flash into being without any warning. He needs direct teaching in what the feelings in his body mean. Also, be aware that while he is seven physically, he's more like four, emotionally. Under stress, he will act much younger. Self control is linked to emotional age. As he gets older, his emotional age will advance but there will always be that 3-5 year lag.

Since you are friends with Dylan's mother, I suggest you talk to her about ways for them to play more safely. She is going to have to supervise her son from fairly close proximity as she would a normal 3-4 year old child. I know this is a big drain on her time, but if she wants him to have social time with others, it will be necessary. He must be stopped in mid-swing, if possible, and corrected. It will take many repetitions for it to stick. He must also be taught that others have feelings, something he does not know instinctively.

You are right to have your son move away if there is conflict but as you have already seen, thrown objects can come into play. Don't leave baseball bats or other "weapons of opportunity" in the yard.

I wish I had a better solution but supervision is the only answer. I do hope a way can be found for the boys to continue their friendship.

Best wishes,
Catherine