Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 5/5/2011

Question
Recently our 24-year-old son who has Asperger's syndrome has told us he wants to be himself, but can't, because he feels pressure to conform to what we want. He said as long as it's legal [which his interests are] and safe [again, it's safe as well], then we shouldn't worry.
He's never had outbursts etc. when he was younger unlike some people with Autism/Asperger's and is calm and gentle. If he gets stressed he tends to overeat and drink [nonalcoholic drink].

However, he feels he has to live up to expectations.

His 19-year-old sister caught him one night about 2 weeks ago looking at pornography on his laptop; it wasn't hard-core as some men of his age would look at, in fact very tame by most people's standards [little more than female models, clothed, in business suits, in their 40's in an online version of the fashion catalogues you get through the post]. It seemed very much an out-of-character moment for my son, as usually he doesn't like pornography.

He explained to us that "he wanted to see what the big deal was" and said at least it's safe looking at catalog pictures, nothing more.

I remember when he was 15 and got the Internet in high school in September 2001 [his first real interest in the Internet], he was taught the following rules:
* No personal information (he NEVER gives out his real name, EXCEPT to relatives or governmental departments like city council etc./NHS)
* No viewing pornography [until now that is. The issue hadn't been brought up since September 2001, and only now it's been mentioned.].
* No spamming or SHOUTING!

Isn't this part of the normal growing-up process for most boys? Is it odd that he avoided it up until now? (when he was aged 18-23, his contemporaries were into sex, pornography, alcohol, he generally avoided the first two, when his contemporaries were more interested in porn sites, he was more into AutoCAD, Photoshop, PDFs, desktop publishing and business management websites - you know, like adobe.com, cadtutor.net, bbc.co.uk/theapprentice etc.). He did, and does still, drink, but is a social drinker, not someone who does it "for the hell of it".

Should we be pleased that he's slightly more sensible than some of them his age?

The sheer irony is, since the incident, he's now put on spamblocker/antimalware sites to prevent people viewing pornography [he's a bit TOO security-conscious, it locked his sister from viewing Facebook that he had to whitelist it].
He's, unlike many people his age, not into Facebook or MySpace, preferring Gmail, knowing it's a lot more secure than a Facebook account [OK, not that secure, but a bit better].

When he went to uni, people were out drinking every night, partying etc. - he was reading up business systems and copyright law books for hours in the library, got excellent results.

Now he's gone to get a job in the local council fitting streetlights, as he knows a bit about them and fixing them too, he knows a lot on various British streetlighting makes and manufacturers [as well as other lightbulb manufacturers].

He told us he wants to be himself, but feels he has to live up to our expectations and knows that we'd disapprove of the following things:
* He told us he prefers dating older women [i.e. 30s - 50s] - because no under-age worries, he gets on with older people, and it's less about sex, more about the relationship itself. He thinks we'd disapprove because of something people had said when he was in college - never date someone much older than you, and a story about a 17-year-old girl dating a much older man. It was slightly anvilicious (i.e. heavy-handed moral, look it up on www.tvtropes.org) and he worried it applies to men? Is it less riskier for older woman/younger man than older man/younger woman?
* He wants to set up his own business supplying AutoCAD designs for land use, industrial area, road layout/British traffic signs (that's one subject area, hence the slash) and town-planning templates. Given he spends hours working and enjoys his work, it seems in line with his personality but we're worried about burnout - when he does a project, he puts in 100% effort to it, only taking breaks for food and drink and sleep.
He's worried we won't approve of the idea.
* He wants to meet older women to get a girlfriend, but doesn't know where to. He told us online dating is just too risky, and said it's where advance-fee fraud takes place, which is why he doesn't like Facebook [he told us research shows over 50% of profiles on these sites are supposedly created by these people - this was in a book he read - he likes factual books and reads them in-depth on the train/bus to and from work], and wants to find some activity where he can meet older women who want a proper relationship, but doesn't know how to. He would even date an older woman with children, as he's good with them. He told me some older women with children have absent biological fathers who are totally uninterested in them. My son also said he would say to the woman that to the children he's just "[name deleted for privacy]" not "Dad/Daddy" or "Uncle John Doe", simply out of respect.
* He gets mistaken for gay sometimes because he spends a lot of time with his good friend Tony, who is gay, and he gets on with his friends [who incidentally, don't live up to gay stereotypes, they play football and are a mixed age range]. He worries about this affecting his ability to have a relationship with a girl.
Tony's 31, by the way, his friends are aged 26 - 45.
* He also feels he doesn't fit in with people his own age due to his interests - business/copyright, AutoCAD, graphic design, computing [not website design/management, an area he feels he lacks skill in], engineering, project management, business management, when people his own age are mainly into drinking, clubbing and nights out. He enjoys learning actively.
The only area he said he feels he has anything in common with the people his own age is enjoying playing the National Lottery and the [occasional] gamble - emphasis on occasional - my son has read Adolescent Gambling by Mark Griffiths, a professor at Nottingham University, and it really interested him in why people gamble, it made him think at one time he wanted to help gambling addicts as a part-time job [but he worried there wouldn't be much need for part-time work in that area].

Our son told us he isn't depressed per se, just wants to live up to what he feels ours, and family friends/work/society's expectations of him are.

I'm not sure what to tell him - should I tell him he's an adult and that he can and probably will do things we disapprove of, don't like etc. and it's impossible to live up to expectations realistically or something else?

I'm not really sure where to go from here so would appreciate your advice on this.

Apologies for the length.

[Disclaimer: Sent via a VPN, so although the IP appears in the U.S. I am actually in the U.K.]

Answer
Dawn, it sounds like you have a lovely son and you should be very proud of him and of yourself for raising such sensible kid.

Near the end, you've written, "should I tell him he's an adult and that he can and probably will do things we disapprove of, don't like etc. and it's impossible to live up to expectations realistically or something else?"

I think you've said it very well. Yes, he's an adult and it sounds like he's a successful, capable adult. Adults make their own ways, follow their own dreams, make their own mistakes and learn from them. If he's already been through university, he's likely experienced varying degrees of success, learned to manage his time and follow the expectations required to get through. Those are excellent skills to have under his belt as he enters the world of work.

Is he just as capable with the aspects of daily living? Does he pay his own bills, live on his own, manage his money, etc? If not, these are the next skills to tackle.

Setting up his own business would require not just knowledge in that particular area, but business skills as well. Are you familiar with the term executive functioning? The ability to carry out executive functioning resides in the frontal lobes of the brain and is often an area of weakness for those on the spectrum. Think of all the skills the CEO of a company must possess - those planning, organizing and management skills, while often weak in those with AS, are required for an independent business owner. I am not suggesting that your son could not set up his own business and be a success but there may be more skills involved than just a talent for that type of work.

In many ways, an independent business suits the Asperger-type personality - working solitary, depending on yourself, not punching a clock, etc. Keeping his life in balance (working some, playing some, resting some) is something he is going to have to learn. There are some employers
who would take advantage of an employee who is willing to give his all, so balance is important no matter what the work situation.

People with Asperger's and other autism spectrum disorders tend to be black or white. Things are either all good or all bad, with few grey areas. What you say about his internet views fits with this. People on the spectrum also tend to be rule-governed; once they've learned a rule, that is the rule for evermore unless they clearly see the need to change.

Sometimes this all black or all white bent gets applied to self. Some bright people with ASDs (autism spectrum disorders)can be very hard on themselves, expecting perfection and taking any mistakes to heart. None of us get it right all the time. Making a mistake is not the end of the world and there are times when we all start down a trail, but need to backtrack to find the road that is right for us. When he talks about living up to your expectations, do you think he's referring to error-less living? is he hard on himself when he does something wrong or does not live up to his own expectations?

Preferring nonfiction to fictional books is also very typical for those on the spectrum. Fiction is not real and does not fit in well with the black/white world. Also, getting meaning out of novels requires an understanding of character motivation and skills at putting yourself in another's mind - things often difficult for those with ASDs.

Checking out pornographic sites does not sound untypical for a young man, even if his interest was sparked at an age later than his friends. What may be untypical is that his parents were aware of his activity.

An older woman may seem more settled and more predictable, less into the party-scene that might make your son uncomfortable. Since he objects to online dating services, he might meet women through his jobs or activities he joins (more the way couples met a generation ago!)

Your son is not the only person suspicious of social media and the other possible spamming/identity-theft dangers that lurk on the internet. Many involved in the computer industry share his feelings.

Is different bad? People with Asperger's may think a bit differently than neurotypicals, may approach tasks in a different manner or have different social needs. Different does not equate with "can't" or wrong. It's just different, part of diversity.

Your lad sounds bright, talented, capable and independent - the envy of most parents of youth with Asperger's. While far too many AS young adults burrow into their parents' basements, afraid to or unable to face the world, your son has tackled post-secondary school, has friends, is interested in a relationship with a woman, knows what interests him and is able to translate that into possible jobs.

As a parent, I would feel that I could trust this young man to continue making sensible decisions as he follows his interests. It's delightful that he is taking your desires into consideration; not many people his age would be so willing to fill their parents' expectations.

Who among us does not just want to be ourselves? The self that is your son is quite all right. He may be somewhat different than some men his age, but that's fine.

Yes, I think your son should feel free to make his own choices and his own way in the world, with the support of the family that has stood by him so wonderfully these past twenty-four years.

Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell