Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 5/5/2011

Question
Recently our 24-year-old son who has Asperger's syndrome has told us he wants to be himself, but can't, because he feels pressure to conform to what we want. He said as long as it's legal [which his interests are] and safe [again, it's safe as well], then we shouldn't worry.
He's never had outbursts etc. when he was younger unlike some people with Autism/Asperger's and is calm and gentle. If he gets stressed he tends to overeat and drink [nonalcoholic drink].

However, he feels he has to live up to expectations.

His 19-year-old sister caught him one night about 2 weeks ago looking at pornography on his laptop; it wasn't hard-core as some men of his age would look at, in fact very tame by most people's standards [little more than female models, clothed, in business suits, in their 40's in an online version of the fashion catalogues you get through the post]. It seemed very much an out-of-character moment for my son, as usually he doesn't like pornography.

He explained to us that "he wanted to see what the big deal was" and said at least it's safe looking at catalog pictures, nothing more.

I remember when he was 15 and got the Internet in high school in September 2001 [his first real interest in the Internet], he was taught the following rules:
* No personal information (he NEVER gives out his real name, EXCEPT to relatives or governmental departments like city council etc./NHS)
* No viewing pornography [until now that is. The issue hadn't been brought up since September 2001, and only now it's been mentioned.].
* No spamming or SHOUTING!

Isn't this part of the normal growing-up process for most boys? Is it odd that he avoided it up until now? (when he was aged 18-23, his contemporaries were into sex, pornography, alcohol, he generally avoided the first two, when his contemporaries were more interested in porn sites, he was more into AutoCAD, Photoshop, PDFs, desktop publishing and business management websites - you know, like adobe.com, cadtutor.net, bbc.co.uk/theapprentice etc.). He did, and does still, drink, but is a social drinker, not someone who does it "for the hell of it".

Should we be pleased that he's slightly more sensible than some of them his age?

The sheer irony is, since the incident, he's now put on spamblocker/antimalware sites to prevent people viewing pornography [he's a bit TOO security-conscious, it locked his sister from viewing Facebook that he had to whitelist it].
He's, unlike many people his age, not into Facebook or MySpace, preferring Gmail, knowing it's a lot more secure than a Facebook account [OK, not that secure, but a bit better].

When he went to uni, people were out drinking every night, partying etc. - he was reading up business systems and copyright law books for hours in the library, got excellent results.

Now he's gone to get a job in the local council fitting streetlights, as he knows a bit about them and fixing them too, he knows a lot on various British streetlighting makes and manufacturers [as well as other lightbulb manufacturers].

He told us he wants to be himself, but feels he has to live up to our expectations and knows that we'd disapprove of the following things:
* He told us he prefers dating older women [i.e. 30s - 50s] - because no under-age worries, he gets on with older people, and it's less about sex, more about the relationship itself. He thinks we'd disapprove because of something people had said when he was in college - never date someone much older than you, and a story about a 17-year-old girl dating a much older man. It was slightly anvilicious (i.e. heavy-handed moral, look it up on www.tvtropes.org) and he worried it applies to men? Is it less riskier for older woman/younger man than older man/younger woman?
* He wants to set up his own business supplying AutoCAD designs for land use, industrial area, road layout/British traffic signs (that's one subject area, hence the slash) and town-planning templates. Given he spends hours working and enjoys his work, it seems in line with his personality but we're worried about burnout - when he does a project, he puts in 100% effort to it, only taking breaks for food and drink and sleep.
He's worried we won't approve of the idea.
* He wants to meet older women to get a girlfriend, but doesn't know where to. He told us online dating is just too risky, and said it's where advance-fee fraud takes place, which is why he doesn't like Facebook [he told us research shows over 50% of profiles on these sites are supposedly created by these people - this was in a book he read - he likes factual books and reads them in-depth on the train/bus to and from work], and wants to find some activity where he can meet older women who want a proper relationship, but doesn't know how to. He would even date an older woman with children, as he's good with them. He told me some older women with children have absent biological fathers who are totally uninterested in them. My son also said he would say to the woman that to the children he's just "[name deleted for privacy]" not "Dad/Daddy" or "Uncle John Doe", simply out of respect.
* He gets mistaken for gay sometimes because he spends a lot of time with his good friend Tony, who is gay, and he gets on with his friends [who incidentally, don't live up to gay stereotypes, they play football and are a mixed age range]. He worries about this affecting his ability to have a relationship with a girl.
Tony's 31, by the way, his friends are aged 26 - 45.
* He also feels he doesn't fit in with people his own age due to his interests - business/copyright, AutoCAD, graphic design, computing [not website design/management, an area he feels he lacks skill in], engineering, project management, business management, when people his own age are mainly into drinking, clubbing and nights out. He enjoys learning actively.
The only area he said he feels he has anything in common with the people his own age is enjoying playing the National Lottery and the [occasional] gamble - emphasis on occasional - my son has read Adolescent Gambling by Mark Griffiths, a professor at Nottingham University, and it really interested him in why people gamble, it made him think at one time he wanted to help gambling addicts as a part-time job [but he worried there wouldn't be much need for part-time work in that area].

Our son told us he isn't depressed per se, just wants to live up to what he feels ours, and family friends/work/society's expectations of him are.

I'm not sure what to tell him - should I tell him he's an adult and that he can and probably will do things we disapprove of, don't like etc. and it's impossible to live up to expectations realistically or something else?

I'm not really sure where to go from here so would appreciate your advice on this.

Apologies for the length.

[Disclaimer: Sent via a VPN, so although the IP appears in the U.S. I am actually in the U.K.]

Answer
Hi Dawn,

The short answer is yes, tell him he's adult and your approval is not required. Making mistakes is how we learn. No one lives a "perfect" life. Clearly, he respects the law so he's not going to do anything illegal.

I would not worry about his preference for older women. As to where to meet them, you meet your best mate out in the world you live in. You should point out that hanging with a younger crowd does not offer many opportunities to meet this type of person. He should get out on his own as soon as possible. He'll meet people at the market and other places just like everyone else.

Sexual interest can be somewhat delayed in individuals on spectrum. I think his emotional age has just reached the point where his friends were 5-7 years ago. This is very normal for A.S. people. The very fact that he checked out the soft porn and decided it was not for him is a sign he handled it well.

No matter what age woman he finds attractive, he's going to have to deal with his social awkwardness and A.S. tendencies. The woman is going to have to be willing to accept him as he is. This takes time, and some luck, to find. The bonus she will find is that he will be loyal and probably a good provider.

If he is a whiz in urban planning and AutoCAD then that's what he should do. Burn out is something he will learn to manage on his own. How much he eats and drinks is up to him. You don't want to be in charge of every minute detail of his life forever, do you?

The belief that others have inflexible expectations is one of those things most "Aspies" deal with. Most Aspies are very legalistic in their thinking. If you EVER said something it became a "rule" he thinks applies forever. He does this because his own belief system is extremely rigid (you pegged it in your description of his online behavior). He thinks everyone else is also this rigid.  To some extent, this will never change. But, you can release him from the "child mode" by saying that now he is of legal age, he must form his own expectations. Being himself is exactly what he should be doing. That's what adults do.

Take a deep breath and gently nudge him out of the nest. I think he has all the skills he needs to make a life on his own. In the end, none of us can be anything but who we are.

Best wishes,
Catherine