Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 7/27/2011

Question
My 9 year old recently diagnosed autistic, highly intelligent and very bright son is homeschooled and doesn't have opportunities for developing social skills. He is years ahead of his peers academically. Should I try harder to get him to make friends? For example, put him in school? At-least he'll have more chances to meet people, but no guarantees for friendships, of course. School has it's downsides, one of them academic regression (happened before). When he does have children nearby, he pays ALONGSIDE them, but not WITH them, even during group sports. He doesn't know how to make and sustain friendships. He used to push kids if he wanted them to move or he used to poke them as his poor attempt to play with them. He doesn't do that anymore.
Another problem is that we live in a very small town and kids already "clicked" in school and he'll be an outsider: the kids have been together for 4 years, since kindergarten and secondly, he eats different foods then they do (only health foods vs the school cafeteria food that the school kids eat) . He has short frustration fuse, and will often dismiss some kind candy/ cake/ junk food offer from a kid with rude over the shoulder dismissal remark of: "No!" So far, my comments that he need to stop that rude behavior and be polite to the kid, by simply saying calmly: "No, thank you." did not help. (Actually, it's the same at home, I still wasn't able to get him to be kind and polite to me, when I offer him something that he doesn't like.)
1. How important having friends is for a person's life?
2. Is it important to learn conflict resolution in early age, or would it be easier to learn it later as adult, when he is more emotionally mature?
3.Will not having friends almost assures depression in early teens?
Thank you, I truly appreciate your help.

Answer
Hi Rita,

You ask some very important questions. I'm thrilled to hear from a parent who has given such depth of thought to them.

As you are clearly aware, your son is emotionally much younger than his peers. In our experience, this delay is 3-5 years in high functioning individuals. The good news is that he will continue to mature and by the time he is mid-20s, the lag will be nearly invisible. What usually remains is the over sensitivity to some things and the total obliviousness to others in the social milieu.

I believe his short response to being offered food he dislikes stems from his lack of understanding that others do not already know what he wants/does not want. "Theory of mind" is an important thing to understand. He does not, instinctually, know that others have thoughts and feelings. which is why he pushed or poked other children like things rather than people.Nor does he understand that they don't already know his thoughts.

Since many autistics don't really get offended when they "should", they don't really get it that they are causing offense in the way they communicate. Learning to care how others feel requires knowing how you, yourself feel. This takes time and direct teaching. Talk to him about his body's response to emotions. Get him to identify the onset of anger by the red face, tight stomach, and other sensations. Show him how to identify the messages on others' faces. There are good books with photos of emotional expression just for this purpose. Reading faces can be taught and will go a long way to making it easier for him to socialize.

The truth is, social behavior is everything. It does not matter how brilliant someone is, nobody is going to hire them if they are impossible to deal with. Practice in social behavior is vital. Most autistics learn social function by assembling a library of appropriate responses. As they get older, they have more success because they can pick a response that is acceptable. This is a kind of rote learning that covers common situations. New situations will require new learning. Experience is the only way to assemble this library.

To some extent, the tendency to depression is genetic. It's not possible to predict who will be affected. One can hardly blame a high functioning autistic teen for becoming depressed when confronted with the social demands of dating and friendship at that age. I don't think you have to put him in school, but if you are going to do it, do it now. It won't be any easier when he's older. The question is, will they honor his intellectual giftedness with proper instruction or will they stick him in special ed for his social disabilities?

All it takes is one friend to begin the process of making more. He's got to have contact to let that happen so find a team, a club, a class, something he can enjoy. Some of these kids love karate because it is focused on self control. It won't hurt if he can take care of himself in the face of a bully. A good instructor knows how to drill in that it is not a game.

I hope this has been helpful. Write back if you have more questions.

Best wishes,
Catherine