Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 7/6/2011

Question
I have a 16-year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome.
He is a pleasant, kind boy who is willing to help others, and does well in school, and is liked by the elderly people he helps do gardening for.

He also has a genetic disorder which means he is overweight and cannot lose weight no matter what he does. In school, he's being bullied for it with insults like "Who ate all the pies?", and even stripped to his underpants with some kids posting the photos on Facebook [much to my son's embarrassment]. We complained to Facebook, but they told us "it was taken in a public place so nothing we can do!". But the photos were taken on the school playing field.

My son feels depressed and has outbursts - not violent, but long tearful ones of feeling depressed about his weight and knowing he can do nothing about it.

My husband[his biological father, not a step-parent]'s tried to help him, but it didn't work.

How can I boost his confidence other than his work? He only feels happy when doing the voluntary work for elderly people in our neighbourhood as he knows he won't be bullied there.

Any advice appreciated.

[sorry to rush, sent from shared PC].

Answer
Good morning Anneka,

It sounds like you have a lovely son.

The difficulty he's having sounds less related to having Asperger's than to his weight problem. What you describe would be rough for any young person. The teen years are hard enough for most kids, without the added burden of his weight and the bullying.

What was done to your son was cruel. I'm not familiar with Facebook's policies but I do work in schools in Canada. Here, if such an incident happened on school grounds the school would definitely become involved if notified by the parents. What did your school do?

How far do you want to take this? Since he was stripped, would you talk to the police? Does your police department have a victim's services department you could speak with? This was a form of assault and an invasion of his privacy (posting his picture without his consent).

Cyberbullying is the term for bullying that takes place online. These bullies have attacked your son online and in person. I'm not sure I'd take this as an isolated incident; they did it and got away without any repercussions, so it may continue.

Does your son wish you to leave it alone and not pursue this? He may fear that the bullying could get worse if the bullies get in trouble.

What type of anti-bullying program does his school have? If you're unsure or want advice (even anonymous advice) there are a number of United Kingdom organizations working to stop bullying. Here are a few you could talk to:

- Bullying UK http://www.bullying.co.uk/ and the parent advice part http://www.bullying.co.uk/advice/parents-advice

- Anti-Bullying Alliance http://www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/help_and_advice/parents_and_carers.aspx

- Child Line http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/pages/bullying.aspx

- Anti-Bullying Advice http://www.durhamantibullying.co.uk/ (even if this website is not from your region, they should be able to put you in touch with a local group).

Kids who are bullied do get depressed - any kid would. His weight problem would be enough for any teenager to cope with, even without the bullying.

I've worked with many children where obesity is part of their genetic disorder. Although being overweight will not likely change for them, I have seen some of them lose significant pounds when assisted by medical professionals with diet and exercise. It may not make the problem go away but keep it from getting worse at least and perhaps help him lose some weight. Even if the increased exercise does not result in significant weight loss, the exercise will make him feel better. Not only does exercise improve a person's health but it improves mood. If your son is feeling depressed, increased exercise will help.

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for young people with Asperger's and high functioning autism to experience some degree of depression. Developing the habit of increased exercise or exercising when he feels badly would be a good life skill for him acquire.

Have you worked with your physician, a dietician and an exercise specialist? Even if being heavy goes along with his syndrome, it is worth continuing in your efforts to help him.

You are already doing a lot to help your young man build his confidence. Providing him with opportunities to shine is excellent, as you have done with his volunteer activities with elderly people. Is there a way to expand that? Does he have other areas of interest you could capitalize on?

There are a few Asperger's organizations in the UK that might have some suggestions specific to where you live. Some groups have meetings and activities for young people. Here are some starting places:

- BBC http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/conditions/autism2.shtml#advice_and_...

- Asperger's Syndrome Foundation http://www.aspergerfoundation.org.uk/

- a forum where you can talk with other parents or your son can talk to others who have AS http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/

You  or your son might enjoy reading about other's with AS in a magazine such as the following. If you scroll about mid-way down the page, there's a link to a download of a free sample issue: http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-library/magazines-and-reports/asper...

There's a book a highly recommend for kids and their parents about AS. It was written by Luke Jackson when he was 13; Luke has Asperger's. You can find the book here:  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Freaks-Geeks-Asperger-Syndrome-Adolescence/dp/1843100983...

The teen years are rough for many kids. What may be a golden time for some teens are trials for others. Although it will be hard for him to think of this right now, high school does not last forever. Life can be much better later on. Much of the teenage cliques and cruelty are left behind when kids enter college or university or the world of work. It may help if you can help him focus on where he'll be after he leaves school and the interesting things he can be doing there.

All the best to you and your family,

Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell