Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/13/2011

Question
hi im 21 years old and i moved in with my boyfriend a year ago, shortly after his boys moved in with us from chilli. we live in Minnesota. there mom was planning on following them here shortly after but is having trouble getting into the country. at the same time i found out i was pregnant.the younger of the two boys is 7 and autistic and functions at a 2 year old level. for the most part he is very well behaved so we hadn't had any problems. now my baby is a month old and ever since we brought her home the 7 year old has been behaving horribly hes constantly screaming crying and stomping around. there mom who is still in chilli wants us to send the boys back but my boyfriend doesn't want to, because the schools and resources here are so much better. i want to send them back just because he takes up all our time and we are missing out on our new baby. i feel like being 21 i shouldn't have to deal with him and his brother who is also far from well behaved. i feel bad because i don't want my boyfriend to resent me for not wanting them to live with us, but i really just don't know what to do. so i guess my question is just what your opinion on the situation is or what you think we should do?

Answer
Hi Amanda,

It is very common for an autistic child to react in this way to the arrival of a new baby. He does not understand that love expands to include a new child without taking any away from him. In the year you have been parenting him, do you think he became secure and felt wanted? If not, you are seeing the reaction to the uncertainty of this new situation. Wishing the+ boys would go away is your worst enemy. No matter what you say, they will know.

Like it or not, these boys are your boyfriend's children as much as your daughter. What you "should" have to deal with is not the question. How you will deal with it, is. It is always difficult to take over parenting someone else's children. But, you're the mom to them all, now. Take charge.

I suggest you visit Love and Logic and get their parenting materials. I recommend the CDs rather than a book. You don't have time to read. Listen to them when the boys are not around. Get Dad to listen, too. The key to this approach is to use logical consequences to help kids learn to think for themselves. You do not name the consequences ahead of time and never name a consequence you cannot follow through with. The older brother will certainly benefit from the approach and it won't hurt to use it with the younger (he may be smarter than people think). You'll be way ahead of the game for your daughter.

This material will give you a crash course in parenting in a positive way that will work for years to come.

School begins soon. The boys will be gone for six hours a day and you will have time to dote on the baby. This space will be good for everyone. If things are still rough after a few more months, perhaps you should consult a family counselor.

Best wishes,
Catherine