Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/24/2011

Question
My daughter will be 8 in November. She has AS. She is very high functioning and does reasonably well with school with an IEP in place as a fall back. At home I am struggling with her. She speaks to her family with no respect. She is rude and defiant. I have tried so many approaches. I could give a million time outs but she just says "I forget to be nice". She is very hard on her two year old brother as well. This is putting a huge strain relationships in our household. She is too high functioning for the in home therapists but I feel like we really need help. Do you have any strategies for this or any resources for therapy that I can look into?

Answer
Hi Samantha,

She probably does forget to be nice. She lacks the instinctive understanding of other people's thoughts and feelings. Most AS and high-functioning autistics don't see the silent signals we all send through our bodies, faces and tone of voice. Neither is she aware of the approach of her own emotions until they suddenly wash over her.

Begin teaching her to recognize the emotional state of someone by how the face looks. The therapists should have some books with pictures you can work with. Start with happy, mad, and sad. These are pretty easy. Move on to worried, scared, etc. Get a mirror and have her make the faces that go with the feeling.

I highly recommend the parenting techniques taught in the "Parenting with Love and Logic" materials. It is based on logical consequences for mistakes and was a life saver for our family. I prefer the audio version so you can listen while running errands or other times she is not around. (If you love to read and have time, get the book.) Go to Love and Logic

As to dealing with an occasion of disrespect, I would keep my cool, rephrase what she said in an acceptable manner and ask her to say it correctly before you respond further. Such as, "Give me a cookie!" Rephrased, "Mom, I would like a cookie, please." Then wait. If you get "nice" give the cookie and if you don't, walk away. She will learn that to get what she wants/needs, she has to be polite. Adults should be polite to her, as well. You can have authority while still being respectful. It's a two way street.

Unfortunately, protecting your younger child comes with the territory. Again, she is not fully aware she is hurting him and does not anticipate the consequences of her actions. (That's where the Love and Logic will help). Never leave them unsupervised.

Bad behavior is not something you should have to accept. Retraining her is the key. She will always be more volatile than kids her age, and less mature (3-5 years behind). But, as she grows up, that gap will disappear.