Expert: Valerie Herskowitz - 9/12/2011

Question
My daughter is 12 years old.  She has been hitting herself on her right thigh and on her head when she gets upset.  We don't really know what is setting her off.  This is recent and she has never done this before.  How can we help her?

Answer
Hi Marcy

Something is setting her off. It's really common for our kids to start self abuse around that age. Hormones mixed with frustration doesn't make a good situation. I would suggest that you analyze the environment and see if you can figure out what is upsetting her. Annoying noises, being told she can't have something she wants, something not happening the way she expected, etc. These are common antecedents.  You should get a soft judo helmet to protect her head when she does this because she can really hurt herself.

Of course, you will have to try and hold her hands when she hits herself on her head. I don't know if she hits herself really hard on her thigh, so that may not be a worry. Bring her into a room that is calm and relaxing. Tell her you understand that she is upset. Tell her you love her and feel badly that she is upset. Do not judge her at all. Do not tell her she is acting badly or that anything is her fault. Play nice music if that helps her to relax.

If the behavior intensifies or becomes more frequent, you may have to ask the doctor for medication to help her with her anxiety. You may also want to have her checked for gastrointestinal issues, which often come from the stress and anxiety and may cause her to feel upset from pain.

Hope this helps. You can write back at anytime if you have any other questions. I know it's frustrating and hard to deal with. My son has had these issues before and it was a hard to handle!