Expert: Valerie Herskowitz - 9/22/2011

Question
Hi Valerie.I have asked questions before regarding my son who is now 34 months. The doctor at the child development centre feels strongly towards him being autistic and has began to put services into place for my son and we are waiting now for a formal diagnosis which is likely in the coming months. However I am still having problems excepting this and I believe the reason for this is the fact that he shows very good eye contact especially to family and people he knows well and he smiles and shows warmth in his expression. He does however only show eye contact on his terms. If he is called by name he will often completely ignore you. If we go up to him and turn him to face us he will look the other way. The same can be said for social interactions. If he initiates interaction excellent eye contact, very engaging but if we initiate interaction no interest unless it is something very stimulating like singing, bubbles etc.
It seems that just when I begin to except the situation somebody says, it cannot be autism as he gives too good eye contact, it cannot be autism as he wants to interact. Its just always on his terms and true he thrives attention, but its just always on his terms, he uses people for his own needs and is very forceful in ensuring people do what he wants.He also has many other signs including hand flapping, toe walking, repetitive behaviour, severe rages, sensory issues, poor receptive language and delay in speech[around 18m],food aversions,poor attention, inapropriate interactions with young chldren.
Is this behaviour typical of a child with autism or are friends right in what they are saying as I am very confused now.The not knowing is causing me alot of distress. I just need to know now as I am hearing so many conflicting opinions. Many thanks once again for your time.

Answer
Hi Sharon

Though I know your friends are having a hard time accepting the diagnosis, they are wrong. Not all children with autism are exactly the same. There are many variations of how certain behaviors manifest themselves. Some have poorer eye contact than others. I'm glad you son wants to be interactive. That is very important. However, since the eye contact isn't consistent and because he has 10 other definitive characteristics of autism that you named, it looks to me like the doctor is correct. Believe me when I tell you that I have been around a lot of very warm and cuddly and truly loving people who have autism. My son is one of them. Great eye contact. Very loving. Loves kisses and hugs. Has autism.

As a suggestion, however. Please tell your very well meaning friends, that they need to stop saying that your son does not have autism. Even though they are just trying to be supportive, it isn't a good thing. They are causing you to be confused. And being confused now is not the state that you need to be in. You need to accept the situation and charge forward making sure that you get the absolute best services that you can for your son. He needs speech therapy, occupational therapy, and other types of interventions. Being in a state of disbelief will only keep you from moving forward. He is very young and can really make terrific progress. So accept the situation and put all your energy that you were using to figure out whether or not this was really autism into acceptance and getting your son lots and lots of help.

Please feel free to write me whenever you want. I am sorry to be the bearer of news that you didn't want to hear. I truly understand how hard it is to accept. I was in your shoes once upon a time.

Good luck and best wishes and know that I am here for you!