Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/17/2012

Question
Our daughter is a six year old HFA 1st grader. She was adopted from Guatemala in 2005 and diagnosed in 2008. We have listened to experts tell us that she is exceeding expectations in her ability to process information, relate with others, and understand social cues. She still has issues with sensory integration at times
  However, she is the most strong willed child I have ever met. I was a compliant child, as was my wife so we have no skeleton to hand any ideas on in order to help her. WE noticed this coming over the summer when she would have play dates and demand that the other child play her games her way. We did not think to nip it in the bud then. However, she has now built up to the point where she has her teacher (not extremely well versed in HFA) totally befuddled. If our daughter wishes to ignore her - she does.
  We have imposed numerous consequences after the fact, from eliminating TV, dolls, playdates and dance. All to no avail. She has even said to me with a perfectly straight face that A.) she knows what the punishments will be and B.) we wants to continue to be disruptive and defiant.
  My wife and I have read where this typer of behavior often originates not from self-esteem but self perception. She is simply living out the script that she sees in herself. However, what can we undertake to change the script. We have her in a private school (catholic) and we are nearing a time to make a decision as to whether to continue this next year. Our daughter wishes to but if this continues I'm not sure that they will wish to. Any insight would be extremely helpful.

Blessings,
Tod and Cindy

Answer
Hi Tod and Cindy,

Defiance is a common thing in HFA kids. Many autistic spectrum individuals are extremely intelligent and that can make a child hard to discipline. She knows what she wants and can figure out ways to get it. At the moment, she does not see the advantages, to her, in following the rules. It's important to remember, she has a very difficult time seeing things from anyone else's point of view. Her emotional maturity is likely to be 3 or more years behind her physical age so you are seeing behavior appropriate to that level. As she gets older, her emotional age should advance but the lag will still exist. Always remember that piece and it will help when she goes from 6 years to 3 in a flash.

Your daughter has given you the vital clue, "I know what the consequences will be."

We had similar problems and what saved us was the parenting techniques taught by the "Parenting with Love and Logic" program. Love and Logic I find their audio CD's a great way to get the info. Listen to them in the car when she's not around. Don't give her a clue you have new ways of dealing with her behavior, just do it. Make the changes and hold the course. (By the way, this is a non-punitive method based on logical consequences. No threats, no bribes.) Even if nothing has worked, so far, it does not mean nothing WILL work. Try these methods.

Build in as much positive reinforcement as possible. Catch her doing the right thing. Don't bribe with "if you do this, I will do that." Just notice. Thank her for politeness, helpfulness, etc.

It takes time but you can get a handle on this.