Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 2/4/2012

Question
My ex-husband and I split up when our son, undiagnosed, was 3.5 years old.  It was a very difficult break up on many levels. I requested a parental assessment when my ex requested 50/50 custody. The assessment took 9 months to complete (with apologies from the assessor). My ex was granted the 50/50 terms.  After 7 months of this arrangement enforced (our son was 6.5 yrs), he became very depressed and then was talking about suicide. An assessment began and he was diagnosed at 7 yrs old. After doing research about Aspergers I realized my ex husband likely is also on the spectrum.
I requested that we return to mediation to come up with a parenting plan that supports our son's diagnosis. This failed, with my ex opting out and insisting that the mediator was trying to create conflict between us. I felt I have no choice but to return to court and and have my son's needs re-assessed and this will take place this fall.
From the time of diagnosis I have advocated for our son. Applied for funding at his school (received), attended IEP meetings, met with psychologists and resource teachers. Applied for and received a disability social worker, attended Asperger parent meetings monthly through our province and seminars, I bring our son to their monthly kids club. I have enrolled him in programs in our provincial university and now he attends a weekly social skills group privately. I have informed my ex at every point, he is aware of the diagnosis when it suits him, but sees our sons behaviour as normal for the most part.
Am I wrong in pursuing a structured and stable home life for my son? I have felt from the beginning that the back and forth between homes was and is extremely hard on him. Wetting himself, tummy aches, itchy and a croupy cough around transition days. I worry that this instability as a child may result in further psychological problems down the road in adolescence and adulthood.  
My ex and I have a lot of trouble making any decisions for care for our son. He is very explosive at times (something I still can't predict after knowing him for 11 years), makes bizarre assumptions of everyday situations and conversations, is paranoid, seeks revenge when "he feels" things are not in his favour and is very fault-finding towards people in social situations. I tend to take a passive approach to him so not to set him off.  Our son is generally pretty easy-going but I am finding now that he wants to write letters to toy companies and video stores because he doesn't like the way they do business and has mentioned suing people who don't like his ideas. (He has a very complex imaginary world that he talks about ALL the time). This is of great concern to me, my ex does lots of fun things with him, but he is not being taught how to behave appropriately in public, social situations, time management and hygiene.
Is 50/50 appropriate for kids on the spectrum?

Answer
Hello Shenda,

Is shared custody appropriate for kids on the spectrum? Well, likely yes, but each case is individual.

I understand your concerns about the disruption in routines, the different examples, and parenting styles. It seems like the assessments and court rulings have deemed that it's in your son't interests to spend time with both his parents. Generally, this is seen as a good thing - your little boy has two loving, yet different parents.

You are right though that change is hard for kids with Asperger's. But "hard" does not mean impossible and change is a part of all our lives.

Children with autism spectrum disorders have a difficult time making sense of their worlds; that is why establishing routines and patterns are so important to their comfort levels. There can be a danger in those though. I have seen families and schools who establish such a rigid routine (thinking they are doing the helpful thing) that no change is allowed to interrupt the pattern. But life happens and when it does the unexpected change can be traumatic for these children. So, although it's key to establish predictable routines, change must be built into the equation.

Kids can be taught how to handle change. Actually, this is an important skill to teach as you do not want your son stuck in rigidity, unable to handle the ebb and flow of life.

Since most people with autism spectrum disorders taken in information that they see more readily than what they hear, visual depictions of what to expect are often used with great success. A visual schedule using pictures (or words) can give great comfort to a child, allowing them to see at a glance how their day will look and what might be expected of them. Good examples, plus free pictures and schedule grids are available at www.do2learn.com.

As much as you try to, it's quite difficult to create exactly the same rules and routines in two different households. That's all right. The important thing is that the kids know what to expect and what is expected of them in each home and that basic rules of conduct, bedtimes, etc. are similar, as much as you can, although some of that may be out of your control.

I think your son can definitely become used to a new schedule of some nights with you and some with his dad. The switch would be more difficult if he was not used to staying with you at all, but he has been regarding your place as home for a while and likely his dad's place as a second place to stay.

A calendar on the fridge in both homes showing which days the kids will be at each place will help. A social story explaining the new schedule would also be a useful tool to let your son know about this alteration to the regular pattern. In case you are not familiar with using social stories, this link may help: http://www.autism-help.org/communication-social-stories-autism.htm. Your little boy may need reassurance that even though he may spend a particular night in a different house, that the rest of his life will carry on as usual, and he'll attend his activities, etc. just the same.

Whether or not you feel this arrangement is ideal, it sounds like what must be. It's positive that your ex-husband wants to be involved. Perhaps, if he is actually on the spectrum himself, he might take readily to the concept of visual schedules and establishing routines as this might help him as well. If he's reluctant or finds the scheduling difficult to implement, you might offer to make the schedules for him, with his input, of course, and based on the routines the dad wants to use when your son is with him.

Kids pick up on the distress of the adults around them. If your little boy senses your concern when he leaves for his father's house, he may become fearful and worry about why you're upset. If you portray a positive attitude, (whether or not that's what you actually feel), it might help your son be calmer and enjoy himself more.

Generally, kids fare better when they have contact with their parents, even when that contact is not ideal. Although it can be hard to watch at the time, keeping them from visits may build resentments and questions and barriers over time. There are different ways of living and after observing choices, young adults may be better able to make life decisions for themselves.

Kids with Asperger's and autism tend to see the world as black and white, without those shades of grey that we known colour much of our dealings in life. I am not surprised to hear that your son wants to write letters when he perceives an injustice; that sounds not unusual for a child with Asperger's. He might have that urge, whether or not he has witnessed similar sentiments from his dad.

It's great that your kids know that both parents love them and want to spend time with them. You can help them to feel safe and secure even when change happens. I know it will feel worrisome to you now, but you might be surprised at how resilient your little guy is and how he can gradually adjust to differing expectations and to change.

All the best,

Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell
www.autismsite.ca