Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 3/27/2007

Question
My son was recently diagnosed with mild autism & as I learn more I am beginning to think that I may have Aspergers.  I have never been comfortable with eye contact because it feels a little akward.  My parents used to fuss at me all the time about not making eye contact, but to this day I find that I avoid it if it isn't necessary.  Most things have to be arranged a certain way.  For example, my closet hangers must be spaced evenly with the clothes sorted from short to long sleeved.  Then subcatergorized by material.  My kitchen cabinets must be arranged in a similiar fashion.  Books must go from short to tall, & paperback to hardback.  I have these decorative stones & I find that I count them sometimes to see if the same number are in each candle holder.  I must say that I didn't realize how bad I was until I began typing this. I realized that I could elaborate much more than I already have.  I often stare into space & others will bring that to my attention to it.  I'm not quick to warm-up to people & often I feel akward during conversations with those I don't know well.  I guess I could say that it feels like it doesn't "flow" well ... or that I'm hitting little road bumps while I conversate.  I do much better putting words on paper. I'm incredibly introverted.  I have spent weeks on end without any real social interactions & been pretty okay with  it.  I also have moments where I'm frustrated, often because something doesn't make sense or isn't what I'm used to, & it really upsets me.  Most often I become overly emotional.  Crying or what not ... I'm embarassed about it but it often  happens when no one is around.  However, I am horrible about hiding my feelings/anxieties.  You can read it all over my face.  Also my mother is ill with Lou Gehrigs disease & my reaction is to avoid the situaion.  I do love her, but its stressful for me to be around this disease I cannot control.  Its not her.  I know she wishes I would see her more, but I haven't.  I have been pegged as insensitive for as long as I can remember.  I used to take a spanking rather that say I was sorry.  I don't know why I can be so unemotional then flip to being overemotional.  I did take an IQ test when I was younger & I did have above normal intelligence, although I am no genuis.  Supposedly my first sentence was "I have a new room" at the age of 18 months.  I don't know ... do you have any advice?  I guess at this point seeing a professional would be fruitless.  But do you have any other information that might be of benefit?  Also is there a good chance my son inherited this from me if I do indeed have an autistic disorder?  

Answer
Hi Kelli,

Let me start with your last question, first. It is very likely there is a genetic component to autism. There is often a pattern of bloodline relatives with autistic tendencies in the family of autistic children.

You are probably right that you have Asperger's or are someone with strong tendencies that come close to it. You are also right that getting a diagnosis, at this point, would probably not do you any real good. But, self-knowledge is always a good thing and it may help you in many ways to know this about yourself.

If you have trouble getting or holding a job, having a diagnosis could help you with protection as a disabled person. However, getting a diagnosis as an adult can be very difficult.

I would recommend you do some reading of books by other people who have Asperger's syndrome or high-functioning autism. You may benefit from some of the strategies they have developed to cope in the world.

Since autistics, by definition, don't like to socialize, you will probably have trouble finding others to talk to about living with A.S. Still, you should try to meet a few others. It helps to know you are not alone. My daughter has several good friends whom she has met through Internet bulletin boards and at autism conferences.

As for your son, you have the unique advantage of understanding some of what he faces. I would recommend that, if you have a spouse or family member who can do so, that you have them help you deal with the IEP process. There can be a lot of negotiating involved. It's hard enough to do if you socialize well and much harder if you do not.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's ill health. Honestly, avoidance is pretty normal in that kind of situation. Perhaps calling your mother on the phone would be easier for you both. (I'm assuming she can still use the phone.)

You might also write her a letter and tell her what you have learned about Asperger's syndrome and how it explains your behavior as a child. She might be relieved to know about it. The reason I say this is that parents tend to feel they have failed if their child does not conform to what is considered "normal". It may also make it easier for her to understand why it is difficult for you to visit her more often.

I suggest you go to Amazon.com and do a search of the books on autism and Asperger's. There are many good ones. Anything Temple Grandin wrote is recommended.

Also, here is a link to a bulletin board site where many parents of autistic children as well as adults who have spectrum disorders post questions and discussions. It was founded by one of the autistic adults who is a friend of my daughter.

http://www.rettdevil.com (you will have to register, but it's free and they don't send out spam)

Best wishes,
Catherine