Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 7/6/2007

Question
Hello,
I hope you can help me with this because I can't find any information on the
web.  My 3 year old boy is high functioning autistic and has suddenly become
deathly afraid of his cousin who has been in his life since he was born.  He
will cover his eyes and hide when he comes into the room.  If I go near this
cousin and try to show my child that this person is okay to be around he
becomes extremely upset and cries and rubs his eyes like he is going to rub
them out of his head.  This started about three months ago all of a sudden.  
Only one thing I can think of that would have started this...maybe when this
cousin and I were joking around and we were fake wrestling he thought he
was hurting me?  My son does'nt like loud boisterous people but his cousin
is'nt like that.  What can we do to get my son to like him again or even ride in
the same car with him?  His cousin is an adult and I know this is making him
feel bad.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Kim

Answer
The poor cousin must feel awful about this.

It's too bad that what triggered the fear has to be a guessing game on your part. It helps when kids are older and can tell you more about what they're feeling and thinking, although many kids with autism never become all that introspective.

Has your son said anything about his cousin? Does your boy like to draw? If you drew a picture of this cousin and told your son who it is you have drawn (just in case your artistic skills are like mine), then handed the crayon to your son, what would he do? Would he finish your picture? Would he scribble dark colors across the cousin's face? What would he do if the picture you drew was of someone he likes?

Do you think it's possible that your son is giving you a clue when he rubs his eyes when he sees his cousin? Many people with autism are over- or under-sensitive in one or more of their sensory systems. Is your child affected by colors, bright things, lights, etc. Did the cousin wear a piece of clothing with a bothersome hue or color?

If the fear started when he saw you and cousin play wrestling, he may have feared that you were being hurt or that the cousin might play roughly with him. Or he didn't like the sounds the two of you made in your play.

Unfortunately, people aren't always going to be quiet or not wear or do things that may upset your son. So, you need to find ways to teaching him how to handle situations that bother him.

Social stories are a good way to introduce new situations, explain what is going to happen next or demonstrate expected behavior. Carol Gray started the concept and has some good books on the subject. You might like "The New Social Story Book" (http://www.amazon.com/dp/188547766X?tag=autismhelpf0e-20&camp=14573&creative=327...)

Carol also has a book called "Social Stories and Comic Strip Conversations - Unique Methods to Improve Social Understanding" (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1885477317?tag=autismhelpf0e-20&camp=14573&creative=327...). It's a great way to draw a situation to explain it to your child.

Kids with autism are often stronger visually than auditorally - meaning that they take in information better through their eyes than by listening. So using social stories, drawings, pictures, etc. is a good way to get information across, especially when the child is upset. When upset, the talking you do could well escalate the situation rather than have a calming effect.

A social story would be a good way to introduce a trip your son can take in the car with you and his cousin. If you go to the www.do2learn.com site, you'll find lots of free visual pictures you can use, reasons why using visuals is so important and templates and grids to use to make visual schedules.

Rather than hopping in a car together, you might want to work up to exposing the cousin to your son. They could be in the same room together for one minute and you could point out that it was okay and there was no need to be upset. Gradually increase the exposure. Have the cousin bring or do something that your son generally likes. Let your boy see that other people have no fear of this man and like to be around him.

Has your son ever seen an Occupational Therapist? They are great at helping parents find things that have a calming effect on their child. An OT might have some suggestions to help your son on his initial trip with his cousin in case he is very anxious.

You might find some sensory suggestions that could help here: http://www.autismsite.ca/html/faq.html

Sharon A. Mitchell, B.A., B.Ed., M.A.
www.autismsite.ca