Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 7/21/2006

Question
Hello-

My friend and neighbor has an autistic 5 year old son )  My son is 6 years old and we would like them to get together- they have played in a group setting a few times prior.  Any tips for helping my son to understand how to relate and/or how to play with him?  so far, my son knows that "Jack's brain works a bit differently and he does things different than you may" , but I'd like him (and us) to all understand and be able to relate as much as possible to him.
Thanks for any advice.

Answer
Hi Tara,

The first thing to bear in mind is that this boy probably does not realize other people have thoughts and feelings. The lack of "theory of mind" is why many autistic people seem to be indifferent to other's pain or distress. It's not about being mean, it is truly like being deaf, socially. They don't read the signals nor do the send them appropriately.

Having said that, he may have received some good social skills training and know how to react in certain situations. He will, however, have trouble generalizing to situations that are different from those he has been taught. He may share his toy boat because that has been discussed, but he may not share his sand pail. Each change requires relearning the skill. Over time, he will accumulate enough learning to behave appropriately, most of the time.

The other issue is sensory hypersensitivity. Most autistic people have extreme sensitivity to things like loud noise, flashing lights, and/or crowds. What seems like a normal level of noise to you may be very painful to him. He will seek to escape it and may behave very forcefully to do so. Again, he's trying to cope not being rude on purpose.

Do a search at Amazon.com for some books that include "autism", "friendship" and "social skills". You will find many titles to choose from. (Buy them wherever you want, but the search tool is very useful.)

Here is a list of Internet sites that offer valuable information:

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html (books and resources)

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/asperger.htm (the definitions and government links)

http://www.autism.org/temple/meds.html (about medication)

http://www.autism.org/ (many links to information)

http://www.autismasperger.net/intro.htm (Stephen Shore’s web site)

http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/as/asteachersites.html (teaching resources)

http://www.aspergers.com/Adolesc.htm (adolescence issues)

Best wishes,
Catherine