Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 10/25/2006

Question
I have a daughter who is 11 years old. She's been to many different therapists with ADHD/anger/social issues, but no one will give me a clear cut answer or diagnosis. Now with all the changes with a new school and different people around her she's becoming more frustrated and upset and won't talk to me about anything. I just don't know how to help or calm her down anymore. Help?

Answer
Hi Dolly,

Several things to consider:
  1. Girls begin going through puberty at this age even if you don't see the outward signs. Anger and being easily upset go with the territory.
  2. If she is more intelligent than her classmates, she may have trouble fitting in no matter what she does. This can be very frustrating for her.
  3. She could have undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome which interferes with social functioning because the person does not read or send accurate signals like tone of voice, facial expression and body language. They also tend to be very literal in language usage and understanding.

So, puberty is one of those journeys we all have to make. Be available but don't push. Learning to calm herself is one of those things she just has to figure out. If she is your oldest girl you are in for a new experience as she makes the transition from little girl to young woman. Be patient and supportive, but keep good boundaries for her safety.

You don't mention if you know her IQ. While this is not the "be all, end all" it is a piece of information that can help you in several ways. You will know if she is working up to her potential in school and you will have the tool of reason to help you talk to her. If she is bright, she may be bored and the school can help by offering appropriate challenges whiles still supporting her with ADHD help.

Asperger's is often undiagnosed until children reach middle school or even high school. It is fairly rare in girls, but by no means unknown. (My daugher was diagnosed at 15). Many therapists are still not familiar enough with it to spot it and schools even less so. She may actually not be ADHD at all (though if medication helps, she could be both) but rather just on the autistic spectrum.


Do ask her current therapist to test her for spectrum disorders. It is important to know because her IEP can and should encompass this. Also, getting a diagnosis before 18 is vital for later life services, if they are needed.

I have to say that therapy does not usually work very well for A.S. kids because they don't trust well and the usual methods of change are not designed for the way their mind works. Our daughter never made any "progress" with traditional psychotherapy. However, a therapist who specializes in working with autistic individuals might be a great help.

Write back and tell me more about her behavior at home and at school. I might be more able to offer an amatuer opinion about A.S. I can also give you some parenting hints to deal with specific behavior issues.

Best wishes,
Catherine