Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 12/10/2007

Question
My 12 year old daughter is very bright, a voracious reader, and always has conversed "like a little adult." She socializes better with her older (by 7 years) and younger (by 2 years) sisters' friends than her own age group, although, just this year she has made one, maybe two, good friends in her own grade.

When she went on a field trip to learn about germs in 5K, she became obsessively afraid of germs, to the point that she wouldn't eat her lunch if someone coughed near it in the cafeteria. I might not, either, but I doubt most six year olds care or even notice!

I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound bad, but she often seems insincere, except when she's upset, which is almost daily.

I feel as though her thinking is often unreasonable, and logic completely escapes her. She usually seems unable to look at the big picture when facing an issue, instead, she focuses on something minor or incidental, and blows it up way out of proportion.

She can't be reasoned with once she loses it, and she doesn't want to be comforted. In genuine pain, she wants to go to her room and write endlessly in a journal, crying or ranting. She CANNOT be cajoled into a lighter disposition. She stiffens, flinches, and/or pulls away from any attempt at physical comfort or affection by anyone. Then, a half hour or an hour later, she will emerge from her room, almost as though what came before was forgotten!!

She also sings - all the time - even when asked to stop. She sings at school, out in public when we're running errands, at home alone or with a room full of people. Fortunately, she sings well, but it drives everyone a little nuts, except me.

Ever since she was an infant, and still today, she startles easily and forcefully.

She likes to fill up notebooks with drawings of creatures and people and give them histories and personality traits and, sometimes, "powers."

Most everyone who knows her thinks there's something wrong with her, and I know something is different in the way she thinks and acts in many situations. I know I have many more concerns about my daughter, but I am looking for someone to point me in the right direction for help.

Answer
Hi Paula,

It sounds like you have a high-functioning autistic or Asperger's syndrome child.

Talk to her school about getting her evaluated. As educational tasks get more complicated, she will need accommodations. Most of these kids have a terrible time keeping assignments organized or completing them on time. The social problems only get harder as kids get more sophisticated.

Also, occupational therapy can help her develop better social skills. (I'm assuming you live in the United States.) This therapy should be provided through her school district.

In my experience, HFA (high-functioning autistic) and AS (Asperger's syndrome) kids are about 3-4 years behind their age peers in emotional maturity. Many continue to progress so that, at 25-30, they have reached near adult ability. However, the over-sensitivity, rigid thinking and other quirks often remain.

You are correct that she probably thinks differently. Part of autism is a matter of brain "wiring." She can learn skills to help her handle us "normal" people, but she will always think in her own way.

Many HFA and AS people grow up to be successful adults. It depends mostly on the amount of support they receive and finding their passion in life and making a career out of it.

I think you should go to Dr. Temple Grandin's [www.templegrandin.com] website and buy a couple of her books. There is one about finding career paths and another about the rules of relationships. Both would be helpful for you and your daughter.

You know your daughter better than anyone and you are her best advocate. If the school refuses to evaluate her, call your state department of education and see what they can do to help you. If you must, take her to a specialist for testing. Once she has a valid professional diagnosis, the school cannot refuse to write and honor an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). Admittedly, some districts do a better job than others. Also, since your child is already 12, some therapies will no longer be appropriate. Still, much can be gained.

Best wishes,
Catherine