Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 9/30/2007

Question
Our son, Andrew, is 3-years-old and recently was evaluated and diagnosed with Asperger's.  As part of the Asperger's, he has a language processing disorder.  He can both speak and understand speech but he is more like a 2-year-old in these functions.  Recently, he has become very defiant and constantly and repetitively responds with a loud, "NO!"  He will also ignore commands to stop his behavior.

We have tried multiple forms of both positive and negative reinforcement.  Time outs have lost their effectiveness as has taking away his favorite things.  Incentives have minimal effect now as well.  He has always been challenging in these areas but recently things have spiraled out of control.  We feel that we cannot take him out in public because we are utterly unable to control his screaming and fighting when he can't simply do what he wants.  This type of behavior is not confined to public places or new situations.  He acts like this in his own home and while engaged in his normal routines.

Is there a discipline technique that you recommend particularly for children with AS?  Similarly, are there techniques that you believe are not effective?  Since he is so young, we have difficulty separately the part caused by his young age and the part related to AS.  Please give us some direction.  Thank you in advance for your help.

- Andrew's parents

Answer
Hi Craig,

I believe you are experiencing the autistic version of the "terrible twos". AS kids tend to be behind themselves emotionally as well as socially.

Physical punishment does not work with these kids, period.

Time out, if it is enforced by continually being put back until he stays for 3 whole minutes, should still work. Many AS kids don't care if they lose privileges or possessions.

Basically, you have to be more persistent than the child. This takes tremendous energy on the part of the parents, but it is absolutely essential. Make simple, straightforward rules and enforce them.

We had the rule that if you break it or lose it, it won't be replaced. If you refuse to eat dinner, see you at breakfast. You can't make him sleep, but you can require him to stay in his room after bed time. And you CAN wake him up in the morning.

Grow a thick skin and ignore the stares or comments of other people. You are not at fault. If they don't have an autistic child, they don't understand. As common as it is now, many will understand and even offer support.

Another example: If you act out in public, you are going to the car with a parent, or home, if only one parent is present. Enlist a friend who can be available to show up and whisk him back home when you go to the grocery store. When he gets home, he goes to his room and stays there until the parent returns.

I found that logical consequences are not lost on AS children. They are usually of normal or better intelligence. So the penalty needs to fit the infraction. And if you say it, DO it. These kids are very literal and they never forget a thing. Empty threats will come back to haunt you.

Now, about tantrums at home. I would ignore anything that does not endanger him or others. If he pitches a fit about not getting a cookie, walk out of the kitchen. Let him scream and you are likely to find he looses interest very quickly without an audience. What gets attention is reinforced.

Check out the books and tapes offered at www.loveandlogic.com . This approach saved our family.

Try this for a week and then write back.

Best wishes,
Catherine