Expert: Trey McGowan - 8/21/2007

Question
I am the mother of an 8 year old boy with Asperger's Syndrome. Within the past few months, he has been having a "smart mouth" as I put it. He talks back a lot. Usually I will let him say something once or twice just to get it out. I do this because he has talked back before and later been very sorry and mad at himself for doing so. So I figured maybe he couldn't quite control the behavior. That is why I have given him a chance. But it has not seemed to help. He continues to be disrespectful to me and other adults. When I tell him "that's enough" or I tell him that his behavior is inappropriate, he doesn't seem to care. The only way that I have seen that I can put a stop (albeit temporary) to the behavior, is to yell at him. But when I do this, it scares him and he immediately grabs me and says "are you ok?" and tries to force me to smile with his hands. Most of the time, he will apologize later for the behavior. He even told me once that his mind was stupid because it made those words come out. Like I said, it seems he can't control it. He also gets his feelings hurt easily, so when I yell at him, he takes it very personally. I am at a loss for what to do. Should I let it go and hope he grows out of it?  Or should I be more firm? Any suggestions?  Thank you so much!

Answer
Hello there, Lisa!

Disciplining children with a developmental disorder can be extremely difficult, so don't feel like you're the only parent who's ever had the problem with it. Obviously, the child does have to learn some things, and like all children, discipline may well need to come into it, whether physical or verbal. However, there is one big important thing: make sure the child *understands* what he is doing wrong.

For instance, do you talk back to him? Why, then, is it inappropriate for *him* to talk back to *you*? Or, perhaps, he has an issue with the 'other person's mind'. This lack of 'other awareness' or 'Theory Of Mind' is common in autism. Maybe he said something that was insulting, but didn't realize it. At that point, try and explain why it is that he said something wrong.

Basically, what I am saying is that make sure you have explained to him what it is that he did, and why you are angry. It's not always easy, but sometimes reasoning it out in a logical method will both help you vocalize what's wrong (and therefore cool the shout until you're sure you need it) and will help him realize what 'the rule' is and what he has to do to follow it.

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=528&a=3760
This is a *really* good webpage. It may help explain the situation from both sides. Plus, there is a section specifically for 'how to discipline'.

http://www.bridges4kids.org/articles/3-03/AboutAutism3-18-03.html
Another good page that focuses on disciplining the autistic child.

Hoping that helped out,

Trey