Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 10/16/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question -
I am an aunt of an adopted Chinese girl age 8. Her name is Kim. Kim has just completed toilet training and finally drinking from a cup[age 7]. Mom and Dad do not know how to discipline her. She attends public school and doesn't go to bed til 11:00pm or so at night. She is an only child that watches videos constantly. She does not sleep in her own bed[she has her own room], but sleeps with her Dad instead. She is in a special program at school, called "Latzey." She does not socialize with anyone outside of school, her parents have failed to enroll her in any outside fun activities; is this wrong? My question is how may I encourage them without being a budinski?? They do not own a computer. They were recently told that she is definitely autistic. Any help I can pass on?? Thanks BK
Answer -
Hi Bonnie,

If the school has determined that the child is autistic, I suppose we will work on the assumption that this is correct. If the girl just came to the U.S., cultural and language issues may cloud this diagnosis.

My first question would be, "How long have they had this child?"  If they have only had her a year or so, then they took on existing problems.  If they have had her from birth or soon after, they have compounded the problem.

IMPORTANT:  Parents do not cause autism!  It is a matter of brain wiring. It is probably genetic, though the responsible genes have not been identified, yet.

I can't find a reference for "Latzey" in terms of educational programing so I don't know what the plan is.

1.  Dad needs to know he could be accused of child abuse/molestation by sleeping with a child this old. (We slept with your infants/toddlers and trained them to sleep alone in gradual stages.  They were totally out of our bed by age 3 or 4. So, I'm not a NEVER sleep with your child kind of person.)

2.  Eleven p.m. is not an appropriate bed time for any child of that age, autistic or not.  They need to start her out in her own bed at about 8:30 pm.  Yes, she will resist and they are going to have to be firm and consistent.  If, at first, she comes into their bed in the middle of the night, no big deal.  As she learns to sleep alone, she'll stay in her own bed longer.

3. Allowing her to sit in front of the television many hours a day will do nothing to improve her social skills.  I don't know how severely affected she is, so dance class might not be such a good idea, but involving her in outdoor exercise is very important.  She will sleep better, be healthier and meet people.

4.  Isolation may seem like the easy way to deal with an autistic child but it is a trap for both parents and child.  The parents often become depressed by the confinement.  The child fails to learn how to cope with new situations and people.

5.  There is no way to do this without being accused of butting in.  You have to weigh the possible benefits with the risks.  It appears the parents don't have the emotional resources to move in the right direction on their own.  

I suggest that you do some research geared toward finding parent support groups in your area.  Offer to go with Mom and/or Dad to the first meeting or two.  Offer to watch the daughter if they need time to attend or get an evening out together.  

Since the privacy laws are what they are, you can't get any information from the school without the parents' permission.  However, nothing says you can't volunteer your time in the classroom and observe how she is doing there.  You may find she functions better in a structured environment and  you could share that information with her parents.

Some good books exist that may open their eyes to her potential, if she receive the help she needs.

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html

Check out the above web site for links and reference material.

Best wishes to you and your niece.  She's lucky you care so much.

Catherine
Hi Catherine:
#1 Kim was adopted at age 8 months; they have had her that long. Mom went back to work after a year. Dad sleeps with her so she won't cry when they disicpline her; which is hardly ever. I was thinking that I was not rationalizing their behavior as adult parents of an autistic child and was to hard in my judgement. You have assured me that my feelings are correct. Thank you for time; I live in FL and they are in IL so I am going to research some support groups from here and help whenever I can, Bonnie

Answer
Hi Again,

I don't think it is harsh to be concerned about the Dad sleeping with the child if this is an every night thing.

Here is one resource I already know of in Illinois.

National Alliance For Autism
(312) 832-9900
501 N Wells St
Chicago, IL 60610

I'm sure they can get more information here.

Catherine