Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 6/25/2006

Question
My son is 9 and has been diagnosed with high functioning autism.  He a very loving child with a very high IQ.  The problem I am having is his frustration level and being very direspectful and defiant.  So much so that it has caused my husband to move out because he can no longer deal with the disrespect and defiance.

How can I change this behavior without causing more frustration on his part and making things worse?  We have tried twaking things away but he doesn't seem to care.

Answer
Hi Christina,

It is very common for HFA (high-functioning autistic) children to have "defiance and disrespect" problems. For one thing, the age of 9 is the beginning of puberty for many youngsters.

Though you don't see any physical changes yet, his hormones are starting to rise. This can increase aggression that comes out as disrespect. One good book for you is by Luke Jackson, "Asperger's Syndrome and Adolscence:Living with the Ups and Downs..." This author is, himself, autistic. "Adolescents on the Autistic Spectrum: A Parent's Guide.." by Chantal Sicile-Kira may also be helpful.

My daughter (21 year old HFA) is home for a visit and she recommends getting him involved in a physical activity like swimming. She says she felt more cooperative after such activity because she had to work with others to a small extent to participate. I think the endorphins released by exersize improve the brain chemistry.

Also, she reminds me that he is entitled to services from your local school district through his IEP and these can include behavioral therapy at home as well as at school.

Be very careful in choosing a behavioral therapist if you seek one on your own. They can be very helpful but the ABA (Applied Behavioral Therapy)approach can include corporal punishment which is a very bad idea. The "Miller Method" about which I know little but which several of my autistic friends have recommended would be something to look into.

Now, from personal experience, I have to say that the "tough love" approach was quite useful with the HFA, high IQ child. You have power to make things happen for him or to refuse. You are the one who can drive and purchase. Logical consequences are something your son will understand. Taking away his stuff when he misbehaves is not connected enough.

Here's how it works. When you assign a chore, for instance. Be sure you give a specific description of what you want done and a time line. "Take out the trash," is not clear enough to an autistic person because when, how, etc. is not specified. "Take the bag of trash out of the kitchen garbage can, tie it shut and put in the trash barrel by the garage. Put the lid back on the barrel. Please have it done by 5 o'clock this evening." This gives enough information you can follow up on. Now, don't remind him, don't mention it at 4:50 pm. And if he does not do it, don't even mention it then. Take it out yourself and WAIT.

He's sure to want something from you in the next day or so. THEN, you sigh as if it was the saddest news you ever had to share and say, "I'm sorry, but I had to spend the time to take out the trash yesterday so I can't take time to mend your shirt right now." The consequence has to have some logic to it and it does NOT have to be immediate.

The most concrete example of logical consequences is, "you break it, it does not get replaced." If he becomes destructive out of anger over discipline or anything else, he does without the item forevermore. Put your precious stuff under lock and key or move it out of the house.

You and I both know that if we do something today, it can cause things to happen, good or bad, later on, perhaps even much later on. Kids can understand this, too. In fact, an autistic kid MUST be taught to understand this as they do not usually have any idea about cause and effect.

Oh, another key element! If you get compliance (he does it but sulks) IGNORE the attitude. Attitude is his problem, not yours.

The best material I found on discipline is from the "Love and Logic" authors. They have a web site at www.loveandlogic.com.  I recommend their audio tapes to busy parents. Listen to them when he is NOT around and hide them. You want the element of surprise on your side.

Now for some light at the end of the tunnel. If you can weather this period with him, he can become a pretty capable human being. Be strong, be determined and love him despite the defiance.

Below are some web links to more information.

http://www.aspergers.com/Adolesc.htm  
  A very good article about the issues

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html (books and resources)

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/asperger.htm (the definitions and government links)

http://www.autism.org/temple/meds.html (about medication)

http://www.autism.org/ (many links to information)

http://www.autismasperger.net/intro.htm (Stephen Shore’s web site)

http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/as/asteachersites.html (teaching resources)

Best wishes,
Catherine