Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 12/27/2007

Question
My son is almost 5. He was diagnosed as moderately autistic, but he has very good language usage and I disagree with the 'amount' of autism. Anyways, he does echolalia a lot. The problem I'm having is, if I tell him to stop talking like that (yelling, sassy tone, etc) he will scream it back at me. He talks in a very mean way when you do/say something he doesn't like. He does NOT listen, no matter what discipline technique I use! Time outs, loss of activity/privileges, etc. do not work. None of the techniques I used for my other kids work at all! I can't take any more! I have no idea what he really understands. What compounds the problems is that his 4 year old Asperger's sister cannot tolerate his presence, nor can he stand being near her. She bullies him constantly and similarly does not respond well to discipline, though she does a lot better with logic and time outs. I am losing my mind. I don't know what to do anymore. My older kids were able to disciplined and I don't have issues there. What am I doing wrong with these two?

Answer
Hi Angela,

You are probably not doing anything wrong in terms of "normal" discipline. Finding what works with children who have autistic spectrum disorders is very difficult. It seems that what worked yesterday does not work today. I hear your frustration.

One thing I found useful was to pick my battles. Spectrum kids are pretty much "deaf" to tone of voice. They don't hear it from you and they don't send it accurately, either. As much as possible, just ignore it. If you get compliance, ignore the attitude.

Rather than trying to stop the bad tone of voice by commanding him to stop, try something like, "when I hear someone talk to me like that, I don't want to do what they ask me. It hurts my feelings. I like to do things for people who speak kindly to me." Then walk away and do something else.

Model the behavior you want. Keep your tone warm and kind, even if you want to "kill" him. Don't give in to tantrums, ever. These kids can be very manipulative.

I found an ounce of prevention was worth a pound of punishment. Keeping him and his sister from grating on each other is going to be a real challenge since they are the same age (twins?). Fortunately, they are reaching school age. Be sure they are not placed in the same classroom at school. Being apart for several hours a day should improve their tolerance for each other at home. It will give you a much needed break, as well.

Talk to the school district about scheduling separate therapeutic preschool programs for them. If nothing else, consider a specialized day care placement on alternate days.

Take care of yourself. Exhaustion and frustration can lead to depression. If your nerves get too frazzled, you can lose it and do things you would never believe you were capable of. As one of my autistic friends said, "Child abuse does not cause autism, autism causes child abuse!"

Check out this web site. I think it will offer you some insights. http://www.oreilly.com/medical/autism/news/discipline.html

Best wishes,
Catherine