Expert: Dr. Sharon A. Mitchell - 11/20/2007

Question
I live in Ohio. I am currently going through divorce. We have been separated since my daughter was 18 months old. She has had severe language and communication delay and she was diagnosed of autism at 2 years old. Now she is two and half years old. She has been moved between two residences every 2 or 3 days. Although I have been against this schedule from beginning, but the court people seem not care too much about my little girl.

I always believed that she needs consistency to support her treatment and I asked the court to let her stay at my place (mom’s place)  as a primary residence, and her dad have her every other weekend overnight then visit her frequently at my place when she is with me. But her dad wants pure 50/50. So the guardian ad litem (GAL) suggested month on month off with each parents, I said no. Then the GAL suggested week on week off, I said no. My point is that although having equal access to both parents is very important, but right now the first priority should be treating Autism, so consistency is the top priority. I oppose doing parenting experiment on my daughter during the crucial treatment period.

I am currently seeking for authoritative texts on Autism, especially as it relates to the importance of a consistent environment, etc. I am also seeking for individuals who have experience of setting up parenting schedule for divorced family with very young autistic child like my daughter. Since you are an expert in the Autism field, any recommendation about literature and people who could support my point of view would be very helpful. Also, I’d like to know your opinion about the parenting schedule for my situation.

Thanks!


Answer
I'm sorry but I don't know of anyone who has been through your exact situation to refer you to.

I understand your concerns, though. Much of the literature you read on autism stresses consistency.

But perhaps consistency can take different forms.

For most of your daughter's young life, she's known both her parents. You don't mention any objections to her having contact with her dad; it's just the moving between residences you're not keen on.

Maybe continuing, frequent contact with her father is an important part of keeping consistent people in her life.

Consistency may not necessarily mean sleeping in the same bed each night. Consistency may mean being consistent in your approaches. Even if custody is shared between you and the father, you could maintain consistency through such things as:

- keeping to roughly the same daily schedule in each house
- having breakfast at about the same time in each home
- if she has a preferred cup and plate, keep a set at each parent's place
- mimicking the same bedtime routine, no matter who she is
with
- having clothing and toys kept at each home
- having favorite or security toys travel between places
- make a calendar schedule to let your daughter know at which house she will be in a week
- even if she's just 2 and is nonverbal right now, she may still respond to pictures posted on the fridge to show her at which home she'll be that day
- when she's with her dad, a picture of you might make her feel more secure and vice versa

Kids are far more adaptable than we sometimes think - even kids with autism.

I see students all the time who become accustomed to one set of rules or ways of doing things at home and another set of expectations at school or in a different classroom.

She's a lucky little girl to have two parents who want her. You may not be able to sway the legal system or your ex-spouse to allow your daughter to live primarily with you. But if you can't, that does not mean that she will not adjust and even flourish in her two environments if the adults continue to work together for her good and maintain positive relationships in front of the child.

Sharon A. Mitchell, D.A., B.Ed., M.D.
www.autismsite.ca