Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 4/11/2006

Question
I am  a 26 year old mother of 4 I have 2 step children so a total of 6 my step son Xavier is 6 years old and has Autism he is a very sweet little boy full of energy and I have no idea how to help him and myself I have never raised a child with special needs and I just don't know what to do he recently came to live with his father and I and to be honest it was a shock to my life what i was used to changed and I want to help him to teach him I just don;t know how to deal with him he pinches me bites me scratches me you name it he does it I have a 4 month old baby and I am so scared he is going to hurt him I get angry and I know I shouldn't but I never dealt with this before Xavier is not verble he makes sounds and has spoke a hand full of words his whole life he is in school which he just started about 2 weeks ago this is why he lives with us now I live in Virgina and I don't know if their are any recorses here to help me but I seen your message and hope you can guide me in the right paths to help him and to deal with it without getting so upset when he acts out.... His father works so much I am the main person home with him and I am stressed with all 6 kids and him being autisic I just don't know what to do please help me I love him so much I want to make his life better and easier to manage..

Answer
Hi Rosanna,

First of all, limits are necessary for ALL children, autistic or not.  You don't say how old the others, besides the baby are, but you would not tolerate that from them and you should not tolerate it from Xavier.

Having said that, I am not telling you you should get angry.  You need to stay in control of yourself or you will never be able to control him. Also, physical punishment does NOT work well with autistic children.  They have a very high pain tolerance and trying to teach him not to hit by hitting him makes no sense.

I don't know how smart he is (some autistic children are very bright and some have a degree of retardation, it varies a lot) so you'll have to choose from what I suggest to fit the child.

So, choose a "time-out" place.  We used a chair in the corner of the hallway.  If he tries to hurt you or the other kids, he must sit on the chair (or wherever you choose) for several minutes (no more than ten).  If he gets up, put him back. However, if he is too strong for you to do this, then don't even try as you will get into a physical battle you can't win.

Since he is non-verbal, talking may not have much effect.  Find out from his teachers what methods they are using in school and use them at home, as well.  They may still be working on figuring him out, so you need to form a team and work together.

Now, about your other kids.  If he becomes a true danger to them, you had better consider whether you need to seek a TEMPORARY foster placement where they can handle his behavior until he learns some limits.  There should be qualified foster parents who can do this in Virginia. It is not worth someone getting badly injured to try to hang on to this boy in the short term.  Again, hear me, I said "temporary."

Also, his dad needs to be realistic about the demands that six children place on you.  One special needs child is a full time job all by himself.  Perhaps you can get a home helper to deal with him for a while as he gets used to living with you.  I'm sure all the new siblings and a new parent, new house and new school are stressful for him, too.

I wish I had more to tell you, but not knowing the child makes it very difficult.  Here are some places for you to learn more about autistic children.  Get a few books and read all you can.

http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/resources.html

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/asperger.htm

http://www.autism.org/temple/meds.html

http://www.autism.org/

http://www.autismasperger.net/intro.htm


Best wishes,
Catherine