Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 8/29/2006

Question
CR,
I don't know if you remember me, but you gave me some excellent advice about my 13 year old daughter.  She was finally diagnosed this May.
The problem that I have is we are in a new school in a new town. (we moved to be close to my parents)  
The school is huge and she will have A-day classes and B-day classes.  I've gotten a copy of her schedule and some of her classes are in the portables across the parking lot.  ( I AM TERRIFIED MY CHILD IS GOING TO GET LOST@!!!)
She can't handle more than one or two step directions without getting frustrated and "tuning" out.  She will have to not only change classes, but get to the next class.  I'd rather they not escort her, but have teachers "watch" to see that she gets  where she is going.  She does not do well with unstructured time.  I can't take her to school(and it is probably best that I don't) because I have to be at work an hour before her classes start.  She'll be able to ride the bus from my campus so that's a big help, but I don't know what will happen when she gets off the bus.  I don't think they realize that she will walk away to get to a quiet place and won't always be able to remember to ask to go.  I've told them and they assure me that there will be a quiet place for her to go, but don't want her to abuse the privilege of having a quiet place.  
I don't give a damn about her abusing it, I just want her to go to school and come home without pulling out her hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, bruising herself, tantruming, screaming or crying or walking away.  
I don't want them to think of it as a privilege, but as a necessity.  They can tell me and I will deal with it, but she is already crying(every day for the past 2 weeks) and is dreading going to school.  It's not just academics that fry my child.  She is a worrier.  She'd like to be in athletics, but isn't sure she wants to run. (She's the fastest person out there when she runs, but will need help to develop this skill)
She likes choir, but I've never heard her sing when someone else wants her to.
Is it appropriate to tell them that I don't care right now that she pass her classes as much as I care that she makes this transition in one piece emotionally ( and physically, as regards the hair pulling and self bruising)?  Do you think I am over reacting?  Is this something that will just have to happen?  I will NOT understand if they can't find my child or if she gets in trouble for finding a quiet place when I've told them she needs a place to calm down and at first she may need a place every day until she starts to feel comfortable in her new setting.
Passing to me would be successful transition.
Are my expectations too low ? Should I expect her to do all of these things ind

Answer
Hi Diedra,

Ok, take a deep breath. Your worry is contagious and being really worked up about it is only going to add to her anxiety.

You have every right to request accomodations in this big transition. First, get an IEP meeting scheduled as soon as possible. Don't accept "she already has an IEP" because she has never had to move from room to room or cope with an A/B schedule.

Now, there are some practical things the school can do. First, on the FIRST day, she should be met at the bus by an adult who is friendly and escorts her to her first class. Preferably, she should have met this person beforehand. Also, it would be reasonable to request that they subtly mark her classroom doors with a symbol that tells her, "this is the right place" particularly the portables. This will give her a target to aim for across the parking lot. Just a piece of pink paper or something like that.

The quiet place is NOT a priveledge. A designated resource room or other office should be set up and ready on the first day. If she panics, she should know to go there and who to ask for help.

If at all possible, visit the school this week before classes start. Get her schedule and walk her through the first day. Here is your locker, here is your first class, etc. If she can read a map, get her one and mark all important places. If she freaks, someone can look at it and help her.

We all have to get used to letting our little birds fly. It's scary for both of you, but survivable.

If you do not get the help needed and she gets lost, raise all kind of hell with the district superintendent. The law requires she be kept safe and educated at the same time.

Best wishes,
Catherine