Expert: Tim Runner - 11/24/2007

Question
Hi there,
I am a 31 year old woman and got married last year. Having now been living in my own house for a year, things don't seem to be getting any easier.

As a child, I didn't go out and play a lot as I was always too busy tidying my room. I would spend hours upon hours during the summer holidays tidying under my bed etc and by the time everything was in order again, i needed to start again because there were parts untidy again.

I really enjoyed this however but I also played with my best friend but in the meantime, she also had to make other friends. I also used to get very upset in crowds. I remember walking into a birthday party late and everyone turning to look at me and screaming(just because we were children and i was late-not because of my appearance) and i started crying.

Since childhood, I have bacame much more tidier to save myself time but i still spend weekends cleaning out drawers that have become untidy and i always feel much better after this. I can't seem to concentrate or be at ease otherwise.

Since moving into my own house, i need everything in my head to be in a certain order. I used to write lists and lists of categories and sub categories of things i needed to do. I have now stopped writing lists as i realise this was becoming unhealthy but my head seems to hurt unless everything is in perfect order in my head.

I keep triying to complete things in my head and I am now at the stage where i want to look for a new career but before i do that , i want to sort out my wardrobe and now i am at square one where i buy clothes and then take them back and this becomes a full time job as i done this years ago and stopped buying clothes because of this and go about like a tramp now! I am also self conscious about my appearance and feel this i s why i stay clear of seeing a lot of people. I look very young for my age and hate this.
I fell people stare at me and get very depressed when out in company and i get treated differently.

I have been graduated for 8 years now and never looked for a proper job with my degree because there is always something else in my head that i need to do first.

I have always managed to cope to a degree through life.I enjoyed my teenage years and had lots of boyfriends and I am now married but I have always been a worrier.

People who meet me think i am so laid back , I am horizontal! -but they don;t realise i can only cope with very little. I am funny and make people laugh but i also offend a lot of people without realising it and then i get very upset when people are aggresive to me. I cannot cope with people not liking me--this has always upset me and seems to be getting worse.

I went through something pretty traumatic when i was 18 and have been closing in ever since. I get very stressed with very little now which is partly why i can't cope being in peoples company a lot. I have never quite been the same and now i have a house, it is worse because all of my time is taken with the house because of this order thing i have like i did whan i spent years tidying my bedroom. Until i went through the trauma at 18, i was untidy and more relaxed. I am now anal in my tidyness an d i have put on weight and i have nothing in my life i enjoy anymore.

I used to have friends at school because i had to go to school. I have people i get on with at work by luck because it's not everyone who understands me but the people i know say that to me that not everyone will get my sense of humour.

The problem I am having is i am losing the few close friends i had left because i never have time to see them and when i do force myself to see them, i don't enjoy myself bacause i am thinking of other things i need to be doing.

I really enjoy my own company but since one of my close friends recently done something very nasty to me, i became very depressed even though i hardly see her. I like to know people are there for me even though i don't see them.

For instance, i never used to see a lot of my now husband. I didn't used to mind if he went half way across the world as long as i new he was still'with me'. When we split up however, i fell apart and don't know what would have happened had he not takn me back.

I don't envisage the consequences of things like other people. I used to see other people behind my husbands back when we were dating and didn't see anything wrong with this and still don't but do. I know it's wrong because it would hurt him. I know i would be hurt if he done it to me but don't. I only know because i remember being hurt but i have forgotten--it's hard to explain. There are things i don't do because my head tells me they are wrong and i learned to believe my head. I do know they are wrong but i used to forget but learning the hard was has stopped me.

The problem is, i have had to change fundamentally who i am as a person in the way that i speak to people. Most people get offended. There are very little people i can be myself around which i think is now what is driving me over the edge.

I cannot be myself. I am quite exitable too. I feel like i didn't get to do enough as a child and now love swing parks and climbing--not that i ever get to this as i wouldn't embarass myself!!

I have different interests. I like what men like to do but socially can't do this. I am left with no interests, no friends and now my husband is getting fed up with me. He is very outgoing but the reason he is getting fed up with me is now i get depressed. I really can't see a way out and feel suicidal but would never do this because of my family and also don't think it's a way out. I sometimes feel i am in hell.

My sister has always had problems socially but more extreme than myself so i think it must be genetic. She developed ocd. I have some ticks but i try to control them and have never been to the doctor about this. I had a very traumatic childhood living with my sister as she was very violent towards everyone and controlling.

One thing a girlfriend said to me years ago that seems to stick out now is that she knew i was different and not quite right but that was no excuse for leaving her standing alone that night. I was very hurt by her comments and still think about it.  We had gone to a party and she had begged me not to leave her alone and i had a agreed. Literally two seconds later, i was asked to dance and left her. I turned to look at her from the dance floor and seen the thunder in her face. I was looking at her to say--hey look who's asked me to dance and was shocked to see her look and only then did i remember my promise...

Is it possible that i have some mild form of autism?

People see me as confident because i would walk into a pub myself etc and they meet outside and go in together but i have learned to do this but other things terrify me that do not terrify them but they don't see this.

I get very anxious if there are a small group of us out for lunch-- i am more at ease in a large group--my work colleagues are starting to notice this. I am like a different person when there are only a few of us.

Please , Please help or poin me in the right direction.

I am very lazy in some ways and not others. I don't get bored easily. I could watch tv for 2 weeks solid before getting fed up--i could talk about this all day...

thanks for listening--this is the first time i have put this down and it feels really good:-)

I am very comfortable in certain people company-for instance, if they are well mannered and have value. I tend to like being around older people. My sister is like this also. Yet i have one friend who is like this but i find her boring--i seem to be two types of person in one.

The firend i have always has have always been pushy and chose me as a friend but they have never been particularly nice people with values--why is this? I think all my friends need to be stronger than me becasue i am not strong at all. I am the type of person that gets bullied and then eventuallly find a way out of it by befriedning soemone else who can help me and then i usually end up good friends with the bully but i get ill with worry when the bullying starts although i don't show it and people think i am stronger than i am although some who can really see me for who i am know but they are the nice ones..

I am not constantly bullied but it has happened--please can you give me an idea of why i like being on my own so much and find life such a a struggle?

Joanne  

Answer
Joanne,
You have poured your heart into this question and you have acknowledged many important facts about yourself -- some that you like and some that you may want to change. You are obviously a very complex person.

Unfortunately, I do not have the background and credentials needed to help you. I urge you to consult a psychologist or psychiatrist. Give them a copy of this question and allow them to help you. The observations and  insights you have made about yourself are great. With the right guide I am confident that you can address your strengths and concerns which will result in a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

Based on your question, you do seem to have some of the characteristics of a person on the autistic spectrum, but I don't really think a determination of this is as important as addressing your concerns and challenges.

I am confident that you will benefit from professional assistance because you seem to have such great insights into yourself.

I wish you all the best.
Tim Runner, Educational Advocate