Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 10/4/2007

Question
I have an almost 13 year old boy who has Aspergers.  He gets easily agitated when he's had a bad day at school or is told no.  He swears and knocks things over. Once he calms down he does very well with processing and discussing what happened and comes down very hard on himself.  My husband and I think that he still needs a consequence, but aren't sure how to handle it.  Should he be punished or not?  What kind of consequences do you give to a child with aspergers?  Please help
Caroline

Answer
Hi Caroline,

Puberty is a rough time for kids with Asperger's. Aggressive behavior is common. The good news is that it gets better in the later teen years. But, for the time being...

Yes, there need to be consequences for behavior that damages property or hurts others. If all you get is "lip and attitude" but he complies, ignore it. We all have a right to feel however we feel about things. We just have to control our behavior.

Make all consequences as logical as possible. Most A.S. kids are hyper-logical. Try discussing this with him at a time when he is not upset. Ask him to think of some consequences he would find useful. Make a list, if you like. You may have to soften them as you say he is very hard on himself. Then, when a problem occurs, use one of the agreed upon consequences that fits.  

For us, if our daughter damaged something that belonged to her, it was not replaced. If it belonged to someone else, she was required to work to pay for replacing it. If she made a mess, she had to clean it up. We also made it clear that if an actual assault occurred, we would not protect her from the legal consequences of violent behavior. Fortunately, we never had to make good on that, but I assure you we would have.

The other tool you have is that you are the driver. If he is being a total monster, you don't have to drive him anywhere. When our daughter was particularly disruptive, we would impose a 24 hour moratorium on transportation. Since she was involved in drama productions, this was very effective.

The other useful tactic is to teach your son to recognize the feelings of growing frustration or anger. He probably does not realize he is mad until he is fully inflamed. Talk about the physical sensations of tightening stomach, clenched fists, feeling hot, etc. Then, talk about how to relax on purpose. Teach him to take a few deep breaths, and think of something soothing (our daughter would picture her purring cat).  

Speaking of animals. A big, mellow dog might be a good addition to your family. The relationship between boy and dog is very therapeutic. The dog does not care if he's not "normal". Training the dog can be an education for him in patience and persistence.

We adopted a young adult, lab-mix from our local humane society. It was one of the best things we ever did for our daughter. 4-H dog obedience was a place where she and her dog could work on a level playing field with other kids. Even if all the dog knows how to do is lick his hand and wag his tail, your son will benefit from this unconditional love. (Now that she is in college, the dog has moved on to another autistic child as her companion.)

There are some good books about Asperger's and adolescence. Do a search at Amazon.com and you will find several.

Best wishes,
Catherine