Expert: Celtica - 7/30/2006

Question
hi, i am friends/dating a 20 year old with mild autism. we have been friends for years before dating.he is really sweet. the symptoms he has are problems communicating,obsession with one to two objects, speaks in body lauguagee and facail expresseion.s but i can understand him well.
his thinking is also impared. it takes him awhile to register what you are asking. this also causes unwise desition making. i really love him. he made a desition to break up, he says its him. he also feels bad about himself. he was also doing drugs but does not know they are bad for him. he does not want me ot suffer seeing him that way. he also really does not want ot do them. but the autism makes him a bit stubborn. i am deeply scared for him, im suffering more without him. he is out there where noone cares for him. he cant think well on his own. how can you help me show him he is good? that i love him(eventhough he knows i do)? how can i couch him to get away from the hard drugs? he thinks they make him feel good. i want him to know they are not.


Answer
Hi

this is a bit difficult to answer, especially with drugs being involved.

It would be the best if your boyfriend would go and see a doctor, counselor or social worker or maybe even a priest to talk to about the drugs and what to do now.

I don't know if he wants to get away from the drugs himself, else you have to - somehow - talk him into going there or go there with him so he's less affraid and to make sure he's really going there, but I wouldn't do it if this upsets him even more (some autistics (including myself) will react really "stubborn" (in reallity it's more like being paralized from being totally overwhelmed and unable to do anything, but it usually looks like stubbornness to everybody else) and feel like just wanting to run away when forced into doing something we're not ready for/don't have the courage to do right now/feel too overwhelmed to do right now).
If you feel he won't be going there, go there yourself and get information on how to help someone who is doing drugs, generally it would be the best to *get professional help*.
I don't think you can (and should) do it on your own.
Maybe he'll need to go to a clinic to detox.

Does he have a formal diagnosis ? If not, maybe getting formally diagnosed may help (to know you are not "crazy" or "weird" but you have a disorder can be a great relieve and give him some confidence).

Does his familiy know he's doing drugs ? If not maybe you should talk to his mum or somebody who is close to him and willing to help. (don't do this if you know his familiy doesn't support him though, this may make the situation worse).

Generally (no matter if he's doing drugs or not), your boyfriend should do counseling with someone who has expeperience with working with high functioning autistcs/AS people or at least someone who is willing to read something about it and really try to help.
Such a person, usually a behavioural therapist, can also help him to learn how to make better decisions.

I don't know what possibities  you have where you live, if you have health insurance and if such type of therapy is covered by your insurance. Maybe there is an autism center in your area where they could at least give you some info on that. Maybe they even have a support group.  This has helped me greatly.

Now, about the decision making. This is very common for people with autism. I have much trouble with making decisions too, mostly because it causes too much anxiety and I can't choose because I see *too many* possibilities and get overwhelmed and on top of that am horribly affraid to make the *wrong* decision (which could mean a personal desaster because things won't go the way I had planned and this will make me even more upset).

Maybe you could help him a bit with suggesting one or two possibilites (if there are many) that seem the most reasonable to you. Having somebody who will talk to me calmly and give me his oppinion sometimes helps me to make decisions. I have got used to asking others for advice before making important decisions or at least talk the situation through with someone.
I also need more time to make a decision than the average person. This also seems the case with your boyfriend.
Never ask him for a decision "on the spot" but even encourage him to take him some time to think about it (at least a couple of minutes). Tell him never to answer a question which needs an important decision before thinking about it for at least 5 minutes (this is usually possible - you can always call back people later, come back to buy something later aso...).
Maybe you could work out a "decision making routine" together by writing down some sample questions he should ask himself before making a decision (these are just some suggestions):

[...] can be anything from "a new car" to " a new video game" or even "cigarettes" or "drugs" or somethings he is about to do like "moving to another town"

do I really need [...] ?
can I afford [...] ?
if I did buy/do [...], would it hurt my loved ones?
do I have the time to do [...]/to own [...] ?  
are there other things that are more important and need to be done first ?
[...] will give me some pleasure now, but will I need the money later/will it be harmful for my health later ?

aso. (think about it, maybe you could make such a decision making routing together and write it down on a small piece of paper he should keep in his pocket and look at it everytime he needs to).

Generally, encourage him to take him some time before he answers any questions. Some people with autism need some time to process verbal speech.

I hope this helps a little. He's very lucky to have a girlfriend like you !  
Please get professional help as soon as possible to help him get away from the drugs.

Good Luck !

C.