Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 10/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: My son just turned 17 yrs old.  We found out he had Aspergers around the time he was 10 yrs.  He is now in the 11th grade and is making mostly A's with a couple of B's.  He is in general ed classes and receives special education assistance for support.  Which mostly is allowing him to go to a designated classroom when he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed out.  This classroom has the same teachers who know him and appear to understand him.  My problem is - he has ALWAYS hated school, he pleads and begs me to home school him, has always wished school didn't exist, he can't stand the other kids in his school and doesn't have one friend.  At home, he interacts with the family pretty well.  He has little understanding of his 7 year old sister but for the most part is a sweet young man.  What can I do to alleviate the stress he seems to be under at the school?  In the past, when I have spoken with the teachers, they will report to me that he is a joy to have in the classroom, participates when he is required to and they don't hear what I hear at home.  I think they think I need to let him "grow up".  I also need some advice on helping him fing a job.  He has applied at several places with no luck.  He now feels like it isn't worth it, nothing is going to happen?? I just want to steer him in the right direction as he enters adulthood.  Thanks for any advice.
Carrie

ANSWER: Hi Carrie,

High school is stressful for all teenagers. It is an intensely social time for "normal" kids and it can be hell for those on spectrum. He probably does not complain to his teachers because he knows they can't fix it.

It is wonderful that your son is doing so well academically. If he has any desire to go to college, that is where I would direct him. It will allow him to specialize in an area where he has interest and talent. It also allows him to have some breathing room to catch up to his age, emotionally. It is my experience that A.S. kids are about 3 years behind themselves in emotional maturity.

Community college might be a good starting place. Most colleges will make some accommodations in testing environment for students with documented diagnoses. Contact the school for guidelines. He may need a "fresh" evaluation in order to qualify.

If he is not college inclined, suggest a technical course such as auto mechanics or computer repair. You probably already know his areas of skill and interest. Follow them. Finding work depends some on where you live. The larger the community, the more opportunities and, sadly, the more competition. Having training is crucial to success. Most high school graduates have trouble finding work without additional training.

Now, I have a book recommendation for you. It is, "Ask and Tell" edited by Stephen Shore, himself a person with autism. It deals with the transition from high school into college or work. There are essays from a number of young people who made this transition and it discusses how and when, if ever, to tell schools or employers about one's disability.

As to "letting him grow up": consider his emotional age in that equation. Surely, you do not want to hold him back. But, would you push a 14 year old out of the nest? You know him better than his teachers. Encourage him to move forward in little steps. Listen, support, offer suggestions but affirm that he is going to be in charge of his life and it is time to start making a plan.

Best wishes,
Catherine

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Catherine for your encouragement and advice.  I feel terrible for him and at times feel that home schooling would be a better alternative.  He does plan on going to college (at least for now) and I have always presented it as thought, it is the next step after high school and he doesn't really have a choice.  He understands that some people don't go to college but he thinks "this is the right thing to do."  I tell him all the time how proud I am of him and his accomplishments and try to be understanding of his feelings about high school.  He tells me how being plagued with this social disorder is something I will never understand, If I understood I would allow him to be homeschooled.  He tells me the teachers don't really care about teaching and the students are disrespectful and don't care to learn.  I have thought about asking the school to shorten his day so it wouldn't be so stressful.  If I remember correctly, you have an adult son with Aspergers.  What was his experience in high school and what is he currently doing?  Does he have friends?  Did it get easier for him after high school?  I will definitely buy the book you recommended.  Thank you.  
Best wishes, Carrie

Answer
Hello again,

Actually, we have a daughter with Asperger's. She is now 22 years old and about to graduate from university with her bachelors in music.

For her, high school was a terrible experience. She graduated with a modified diploma, meaning she had plenty of credits but not in the required subjects. Her sanctuaries were band and drama. She acted in several plays and participated in all the available music classes. She had few friends.

Now, she has a network of friends all over the country. Many of her friends are also on spectrum though she also has "normal" friends and friends who have other challenges, such as blindness. She has met "aspies" through national conferences and over the Internet. She became an advocate for equal access for people with various disabilities around her college. I attribute much of this to finding kindred spirits and to increased emotional maturity that came with age. College is truly a "bigger pond" with many more kinds of "fish."

Homeschooling was not an option for us as my daughter was deep into oppositional/defiant behavior with me. (Thankfully, this is over.) If you and your son have a better relationship, you might find homeschooling successful. But, I have another suggestion.

In our state, high school juniors/seniors can choose to finish their high school diploma through the community college. Our two younger daughters have made this choice. It allows them to get out of the social mud of high school and earn college credit as well complete their diploma. It's sort of a double dip. The social demands are much less and the teachers spend all their time teaching instead of maintaining order.

Some research may yield a similar solution for your son. I do agree that forcing him to endure high school is not going to result in any social breakthroughs. He will get his diploma but I doubt he will improve in social experience.

For our daughter, the "pep" assemblies, clubs, crush in the hallway, and taking seven classes at a time were simple overwhelming. She failed every academic class she took. In college, she had only four subjects at a time and was not required to attend the "rah-rah" events. She could concentrate on the material presented in the syllabus. (one of the great things about college: teachers have the whole term planned and tell the students all of it up front) Her grade point average is around 3.5, now.

It remains to be seen if she will succeed in the work world. She plans to attend graduate school to get her master's degree. I think this is wise. It gives her more time to mature and more credentials to create her own job in the future. I imagine that she will develop a teaching environment designed to help others on spectrum through music. Only time will tell.

You might consider having your son take the SAT/ACT test early to see how he scores. If he gets admission quality scores, one option is just to send him to college early. Most state universities have a threshold for admitting home schooled students who do not have a traditional diploma. If he scores that high, call him home schooled and seek admission if you think he's ready.

I hope this has been helpful.

Best wishes,
Catherine