Expert: James Michael Roan - 10/2/2007

Question
I don't know what's going on with my 3 year old little boy. He is speech delayed, but coming along well. He is wicked smart, and in evaluations has always tested at least a year above his age.
However, he hits, throws, and when he gets upset, he gets VERY upset and is hard to calm down. He becomes very negative about anything. He does not seem to want consoling. He has always been difficult to cuddle with and indeed when he is upset, he will push me away or hit me. He is often "sad" but b/c of his speech delay, it is often difficult to get to the root of the problem.
At school he does not hit or throw things. But he also does not seem to want to participate in group activities and is often off on his own. He is a man with a plan both in school and at home.
He seems obsessed with food and eating. He gets very upset (cries, throws a fit sometimes) when I remind him that no, he cannot have the Spiderman Fruit Snacks until after lunch even though he know this is the usual MO.
He is NOT overweight, but he is a big kid: tall and solid.
Everything is just a problem with him. And he is often inconsolable and doesn't want me to be near or touch. Sometimes he wants me in the room but I can't touch him.
He was evaluated b/c of his speech delay at 2, and then at 3 but nothing was flagged except his lack of attention. Frankly, they were using the same picture "books" that he had seen already 2 or 3 times which I think he was bored with. He wanted to see what was in their bag of toys.

So what's up with my boy? I am more than concerned and cannot figure things out.

There is one more important things though. My 7 year old daughter has been undergoing therapy for almost 2 years for a really really bad cancer.We are often in the hospital. I used to leave him home with a nanny and/or my husband who is an impatient yeller. In the spring I started taking him with us to be inpatient. We were all happier that way. But he was often left the first year and a half, and still is now for appts and scans, etc. I have always made sure that he had "mommy time" and felt just as important as his ill sister. But there is only so much I can do while trying to save her life.
So can you give me some ideas?
Thanks

Answer
Hi Lynn;

These behaviors can be caused by a number of things. Children with speech delay often get easily frustrated at not being able to adequately express themselves and behavior ensues. They also marginalize themselves with peers because they lack the social/verbal competence to fully participate with them.

Here are some questions I have for you;

1. How flexible or resistant to change is he?

2. Does he dislike having his hair cut or touched?

3. Does certain clothing irritate him?

4. Can he tolerate multiple food textures?

5. Please elaborate on your phrase: "He is a man with a plan both in school and at home." Does that mean he has his own agenda?

6. Is his demeanor generally serious?

7. Does he have any sensitivity to certain noises like vacuum cleaners, hair dryers, etc.?

Kind regards,
James