Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/1/2006

Question
I'm 23 years old and I still live at home with my parents, but I wish I wasn't.

Six years and seven months ago, I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. And ever since that day, my family won't leave me alone. They won't get off my back. They've been sending me to doctors, therapists, counselors, and so on. They all started treating me differently just because I'm the one in the family with Asperger Syndrome.

In fact, ever since that day, the family keeps interfering with every aspect of my life. They refuse to let me do anything on my own. In fact, when I took a job as a newspaper carrier last August, my dad didn't even believe that I could do it. He and the rest of the family never believed that I could ever do anything. This has been going on since the day I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.

In fact, I only took a job for one reason. I'm fed up with my family constantly criticising the way I live my life. I had no interest in making money. When I took a job, all I wanted to do was prove that I could do something for a change, and that I could lead a normal life. And yet, all they say is "you haven't proven anything!"

Nothing I did was ever good enough to please the family. Even when I do my best, all they keep saying is "Do better!" So far, I only make $200 a month, but I hope to get another job soon so that I'll be able to afford to move out of the house. And the sooner, the better! The family even complains that newspaper delivery isn't even a real job, cause of the pay.

Even today, the family still refuses to accept the fact that I am perfectly capable of leading a normal life entirely on my own. I keep telling them that I'm ready to take on life's challenges, but they have incredible difficulty believing me. These people treat me more like a prisoner than a member of the family. Even though I have finally proven that I am perfectly capable of leading a normal life and taking care of myself, the family still insists on carrying on as usual. They promised that they would get off my back and let me live my own life once I got a job. Today, nothing has changed. And nothing ever will change.

To make matters even worse, they even claim that I'm not in charge of my life! They complain about the way I dress and how I speak, but I don't care! It's my life! I don't care about their suggestions for my life and future! Why can't they just mind their own business?!

And yet, despite everything that the family has put me through, and continue to put me through, they have incredible nerve to accuse me of developing an attitude problem! And whenever we get into an arguement, they constantly act like I'm the bad guy!

I can't stand it anymore! I know I have Asperger Syndrome, but I've grown up. I've gotten over it. I'm trying to move on with my life, but the family just won't take a hint and let me go! Even though I have finally proven that I can lead a normal life and take care of myself without any help, the family is as ignorant as ever! I've just about had enough of them! I think I would be alot happier and better off if I cut them out of my life permanently!

All I ever wanted to do was prove that I can lead a normal life despite having Asperger Syndrome, and that my worth as a human being hasn't diminished. Yet despite all my achievements and accomplishments, the family is as ignorant as ever! And despite what I tell them about me being perfectly capable of leading a normal life and taking care of myself, they continue to turn a deaf ear!

What should I do?!

Answer
Hi Dwayne,

Wow, it seems I have heard from you before but it may be that it was someone in a very similar situation.

Many families have a hard time letting go of a "child" who has a special challenge.  Since you were diagnosed in your teens, you did not have the advantage of special training and education to help you compensate for your A.S. Perhaps they believe that you can't possibly have made any progress because of that.  Also, many parents find their validation and sense of worth in providing for their children.  They don't know how to define themselves once the kids leave the nest.

Clearly, you have figured a lot of it out on your own.  They may not know that this is possible, but it really is.  You are not cured or "over it", A.S. is a lifelong challenge. You will encounter new problems to solve as everyone does. But you want to move into the world and have made many steps in that direction.  Go for it.

People with A.S. tend to be a few years behind themselves emotionally.  At 23 years of age, you are probably at least 18-20 emotionally which is when most people leave home.

I am impressed with your ability to write clearly.  I think you should consider attending college once you get out on your own.  Your lifetime earning potential will be much higher with a college degree.  What field is not as important as that you have it.  If you have a passionate interest in something, choose that as your field of study.

Our daughter loves music.  She's 20 and a junior with a 3.75 GPA at a major university. She lives on her own. Like you, she was not diagnosed until her mid-teens. No one would have predicted she would do so well.  She had flunked nearly every academic class she took in high school.

I would suggest you explain, one more time, that you are ready to leave home.  Get that second job, find a place to live and start finding out about going to school.  At your age, you can claim to be emancipated and only your income will count in determining financial need.  

Make sure you get your diagnostic papers before you leave.  They can help you if you need to apply for SSI to get by on for a while.

Make some contacts in the nearest major city with an autism support group.  Do some Internet searches for related web sites and get as much information as you can about how A.S and high-functioning individuals make a life for themselves.  You will find many success stories.

Let me know how it goes.

Best wishes,
Catherine